A Little (Meatless) Biscuits & Gravy

Look, I don't like vegetarians any more than you but lately I happen to be eating a lot of meals with one. I know I said I'd never go down the fake meat route but here we are. Some fake meats are better than others, but at the end of the day, if it didn't suffer - I don't want it. Nothing says good morning like a cup of hot gravy. Despite his vegetarianism, my plus-one loves biscuits & gravy so I got crafty in the kitchen. By crafty in the kitchen, I mean I researched a few recipes that didn't annoy me and made up my own version. Turns out, biscuits and gravy are pretty much the same ingredients reconfigured, which is why poor people love it. This seems healthier since technically there aren't any meat drippings in it, but the flavor comes from butter, so who knows. I'm sure the flour base isn't great for the ol' waistline but as I always say, a fat mom is a fun mom. 

Homemade Biscuits

In this house biscuits usually come from a tube, but not these biscuits! In fact, they're so easy even my guest could make them while I watched and drank, just like mom used to. As long as you have butter, flour, milk, salt and baking powder you're in business. (You'll need all this shit for the gravy anyways). 

you will need the following: 

2 c flour

1/2 stick butter 

3/4 c milk 

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt 

black pepper (optional)

Step 1: Oven to 400. Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and blend until all flour has a yellow-ish tint and sort of sticks together. Use hands or pastry cutter to blend in butter. Make a mound in the center of mixing bowl and pour in milk gradually. Stir until dough forms.

Step 2: Knead dough on a floured surface. Roll out to 1/2" thickness. 

Step 3: Using a biscuit cutter (or wine glass) make your guest cut out circles of dough. Continue until all dough is used. This recipe will make about a dozen. 

Step 4: Bake on a greased cookie sheet for about 15 minutes, or until golden brown. 

Vegetarian Sausage Gravy

Making gravy is ridiculously easy, even when the pilot light of your stovetop goes out and you have to pretend that you aren't really pissed about it because you have company over. For instance. It's just thickened flour-milk with meat bits floating around in it. So think about that next time you're at Bob Evan's. 

you will need the following: 

The other half-stick of butter

1 pack fake sausage patties

3 c whole milk 

3 tbsp flour

salt & pepper

other spices (optional)

Step 1: Melt some butter in a pot. Heat fake meat until cooked through. Remove and cut into small bits. Set aside. 

Step 2: Using melted butter and fake meat juice, add more butter and melt down. 

Step 3: Mix in flour to absorb butter. It will look like cat barf for a minute. Add milk and whisk 'til smooth. Keep it at a slow simmer so it thickens but doesn't scour. 

Step 4: Return fake meat to the pot and simmer for a few more minutes. This fake meat makes for real flavor, or so I was told to write. 

Pour gravy over biscuits. Enjoy. Snapchat to friends and former lovers.