Nope, you're not at an Applebee's, and nope this shit ain't half-off. While I do have an ice-skate and Wizard of Oz memorabilia on my walls, I'd hope my apartment isn't as depressing as a chain restaurant built in the parking lot of a Smalltown, USA mall. If you're thinking this is gonna be some kind of tutorial on how to deep fry a string cheese, I'm sorry to disappoint you. That's coming later in the week. If you need to know one thing about me, other than my third nipple, it's that I love to picnic. If I could eat every meal outside I would. Maybe it's because my shitbox apartment lacks air conditioning. In any case, I've decided I'm tired of wasting my money on pre-packaged goods when I can just as easily make them myself. Plus, it gives me a cheap thrill to get compliments on my homemade goodies. If you know how to can stuff, the following recipes will make excellent pantry staples or gifts around the holidays, ya cheap bastard. I don't know how to seal the jars and after enough failed attempts, I give up. Besides, none of this stuff ever lasts long enough to require preserving them in mason jars and magic.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Sometimes people ask me where I find the time to cook all these fabulous dishes. My secret is gainful unemployment. The past month has taught me the true meaning of Christmas: poverty and shame. The best part of this week's installment is that with the right equipment and fire-making skills, even a hobo can be culinary! Seriously though, if it weren't for my tiny kitchen I'd probably be on the floor in the fetal position singing Grease 2 numbers quietly to myself. Luckily I haven't had a night like that since last night. I'm finding that the job hunt is a lot like dating, it's a waiting game until someone comes along who can live with my apparently numerous flaws. For my unemployed guests who also have a liberal arts degree, cook with wine and start your own cooking blog, someday it might save you from having to return to sex work.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
And so it begins. Another summer in my lakefront Chicago sweatbox. How is it that in an age where I can watch pornography on my cellphone, my apartment remains air conditionless? It's not so bad after awhile. You get used to wearing a tank top when you sit down, so that the pleather furniture doesn't stick to you. I wish I could say this was my first "vintage" apartment, but I'm a cheap bastard and I'll swelter if it means saving a buck. The one table fan I have really helps keep the humidity at a consistent 100%. Suffice it to say, exteme summer temperatures keep indoor entertaining to a minimum. If I have to get near a hot stove, I prefer to do it naked.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Amidst all these new cheeseboard FDA findings, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. I can personally say that my cheeseboards are clean enough to eat cheese off of. I figure if it ain't broke don't fix it. I don't know a single person to get sick from eating artisanal cheeses, except that time I made a date really sick with my signature mac 'n cheese, but really it was his own fault for not telling me he was lactose intolerant.
For a cheesy date, try this Urban Cheesecraft kit! I'm not usually one to hock the goods on my blog, but this seemed like a great opportunity to take something sorta complicated and make it look easy. Truth be told, all I did was watch my partner do this while I day-drank wine. It was a lot like a high school chemistry class, and my lab partner did all the work. Cheated my way through then and I'll be damned if I won't do the same thing now. This cheese was an A plus.