Put on your favorite Lululemon leggings and grab your Northface jacket because we're making pumpkin shit! It's fall again, and that means the leaves are coming down and all my Twin Peaks thrift store sweaters are coming out. Suddenly I'm terribly annoyed at all the pumpkin spice crap I keep seeing everywhere, specifically Aldi. Who needs pumpkin spice scented tampons?! The good thing is that a month from now when they put out peppermint bark scented panty liners, the pumpkin spice ones will be cheaper than even regular sanitary pads. Ladies, forgive my limited knowledge of your bathroom products. Though, I'd probably sleep with anyone if their bush smelled like cinnamon and cloves. As the author of this cooking website, I'm required by law to post at least one pumpkin recipe per Autumn. So listen up assholes because I'm only gonna write this once.
If you're reading this, it probably means you're also awake at 4:30 in the morning. In my new life as semi-professional baker for Bang Bang Pie Shop I keep the hours of a farmer. That means waking up before the rooster crows and going to sleep sometimes before the sun even sets. That being said, it beats the hell out of corporate life. I'm on a vision quest folks, I'll see ya when I run out of peyote. The plus side is that it's really brought my cat and I closer together. In the case of yesterday morning, Baby Toulouse's never-ending appetite for crushed up pretzels and water got me out of bed on time, after I slept through my alarm. I'd say sorry for the long gap between posts, but if you're really that into my blog, your life is probably sad.
Good riddance summer! I won't cinnamon-sugar coat it folks, this has been the worst summer of my entire adult life. And that even includes the many summers I worked at Argo Tea in college. Yeah. It's been that bad. Even though there were memorable moments like seeing St. Vincent at Pitchfork and riding carnival rides with my family, getting laid off because your boss' husband is going to jail was probably the most mortifying thing that's ever happened to me professionally. Luckily, the end of summer brought several new opportunities to my life, like BAKING for a living! So I say fuck it, let's eat some fatty snacks and drink 'til we pass out while watching Sex and the City 2. Which may or may not have been the fate of these delicious confections. These were also a celebratory indulgence because after nine months of working on it, I finished a submittable draft of my first play. I say draft, because it's not over yet. Gimme five years and maybe I'll say it's done.
I know what you're thinking - why go to all the trouble of making something from scratch that can easily be squeezed from a tube? Because it's a million times better and makes you seem like a more impressive human being. That being said, for years I've been looking for a cinnamon roll recipe that does not require yeast because even though I love to cook, I refuse to work with yeast. It always ends with me screaming the F-word and making a huge floury mess. This is a delicate process that requires some time, so make sure to lock your cat or baby in the other room to give this your undivided attention. You will feel very accomplished after you're done with these.