Friday, April 18, 2014

A Little Basket Stuffer, Again.

Anyone who says they don't like their holidays secular is a goddamned liar. I'm not entirely sure what the point of Easter is, but suffice it to say it has something to do with a bunny named Jesus. Honestly, as a whole we could really be exploiting this Easter thing for a lot more than we are. We could have Easter carols and Easter TV specials and best of all, MATERIAL GIFTS, baby. Some of this is already happening, but not at the rate corporations could possibly be profiting. Who wants to help me bring Easter back? This blog entry might be a small contribution, but even Santa Clause had to start somewhere. I think some people still dye eggs, but that seems like a terrible waste of time in my opinion. Maybe Easter doesn't come from a store, maybe Easter is about something a little bit more. Baked goods and baskets of shit. 

Oatmeal Cream Pies (from scratch)

Get your mind out of the gutter, this ain't that kinda cream pie. My plus-one and I recently exchanged moderately depressing stories about our connection to the iconic Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. He used to shake out couch cushions so he could ride his bike to the "Chinky Market" and buy his feelings in cookies. My dad used to include an extra quarter in our lunch money on fridays so we could get a little treat. We're both former fatties, to say the least. A friend of mine is a baker for Bake Chicago and they make these a lot better than I did. I took two recipes from my favorite cookbook and sandwiched them together. Little Debbie ain't got shit on me. 

you will need the following

for cookies
1 stick of butter
1/2 c brown sugar
1/4 c white sugar 
1 egg
1/2 tsp vanilla 
3/4 c flour
1 1/2 c oatmeal 
1/2 tsp cinnamon 
1/2 tsp soda
1/2 tsp salt 

for cream 
2 c powdered sugar 
1/2 stick soft butter
1 tsp vanilla 
2 tbsp whole milk 

Step 1: Preheat oven to 375. Start cookies by creaming together butter, sugars, eggs and vanilla. Mix dry ingredients in another bowl. Then combine them. Roll into a large ball and chill. Then ball into 1 inch cookies, press down and put in oven. Bake cookies about 10 minutes or until golden. 

Step 2: While cookies come to a complete cool, mix butter, sugar, vanilla and milk in a bowl. Really whisk the shit out of it, you want your frosting as light as air. Get that rage out baby, get it out. 

Step 3: Put as much frosting on the bottom of a cookie as possible. Stick another cookie on that and press together. Do until out of cookies. Let them sit a few minutes so the frosting dries. 

Optional Step: Assemble into useless boxes that people will feel bad throwing away, but probably will after a few months of seeing it on their desk. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

A Little Religious Occasion Dinner

It's that time of year again. The time when birds start singing, flowers bloom out of the ground and then a big fucking snow storm comes through and ruins April. It's also the time of year people have vaguely religious dinner parties. The only temple I worship at is currently under federal investigation, so I can't say whether lasagna is traditional to any other religion than my appetite. Whether you're a spiritual person or not, someone will ask you to attend their vaguely religious dinner, be it Easter or Passover. Just last night I went to my first homosexual Seder. There are few things in this world I wouldn't do for good brisket including, but not limited to, murder. The best part of being in a Facebook relationship with a vegetarian is that I get to eat his portion of brisket. I know, you're all tired of reading my vegetarian recipes, but you can't imagine how sick I am of eating them. My rule for vegetarian cookery is that I'll never stoop to that vegan bullshit. I'm not even trying to hear about nutritional yeast. The key to making brisket-lovers enjoy a brisket-less dinner is giving people a dish worthy of a main course. That does not include salad or soup, unless it's lunch at Olive Garden and it's available in a never ending quantity.

Vegetable Lasagna

you will need the following 

1 box lasagna noodles (boiled)
24 oz tomato sauce 
olive oil 
1 onion (diced)
3 cloves garlic (minced)
1 bunch fresh spinach 
1 zucchini 
1 yellow squash 
4 c shredded mozzarella 
1 tbsp Italian herbs
salt & pepper 

Step 1: Preheat oven to 375. Boil your noodles in oily water. 

Step 2: Sautee onion and garlic with Italian herbs. Then add to sauce and simmer together. Salt and pepper as desired. I like to add red pepper flakes because Papa likes it spicy. 

Step 3: Wash and pat spinach dry. In one pan with butter, saute spinach until it cooks down. In another pan with olive oil, cook zucchini and squash until tender, or burnt. 

Step 4: Now that your sauce is done, your noodles are boiled and your veggies are tender, it's time to assemble! Put a little sauce on the bottom of a long baking dish. Burn your fingers on hot lasagna noodles, and arrange them lengthwise. Top with veggies. Then with sauce. Then with cheese. Line noodles the opposite direction and do the process again. Keep alternating until out of ingredients. (About three or four layers). Cover with foil and bake 45-55 minutes.