Tuesday, August 19, 2014

A Little Breakfast Boat

My plus-one is performing on a cruise boat for the rest of my life. Actual time, until December. This means I have a lot of time on my hands and at least one extra seat at my two-seat studio apartment table. While I'm jealous that he gets to eat french fries everyday, I'm not so jealous that he has to watch fat American tourists eat french fries everyday. Until his return we'll be skyping in our dinners and conjugal relations. We did do some crafting before he left but due to its graphic nature, I will not be featuring it on this particular website. You'll have to find that on our forthcoming love-Tumblr. 

Anchors Away Egg Boats! 

To be honest, I fucking hate brunch. Not the eggs, but what "brunch" represents. What a stupid thing it is to throw on your business casual after a night of rocking out to Dave Matthews at whatever tragic Wrigleyville watering hole you frequent, and spending fifty dollars drinking off your hangover. You end up annoying everyone in the city whose path you cross, and annoying everyone on your social media feed with stupid pictures of yourself drinking mimosas and "world's best bloody Mary's" which all end up looking pretty much the same. We get it, you work a boring 9-5 job and this is the one day a week you can just let your hair down. For those of us who think your douche-baggery is intolerable, this recipe is the best way to make breakfast impressive without being a turd about it. 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Un Klein Spass Nacht

How dare you correct my German! I took German for a whole year in high school...ten years ago. I'm practically fluent. "Spass nacht" translates to "fun night" -and as long as there's sausage involved the fun never stops! Ignore that I'm drinking Mexican beer and that it's probably an Italian sausage. This recipe, like me, is only loosely German.  My mom used to make this when we were kids and it always seemed especially lazy on a summer night, but I'll be god damned if it's not the perfect marriage of lazy and delicious. As a child I thought cooking with a silver can of Daddy's Natural Light was the living end of culinary magic. Turns out, it's just a hot link of processed American meat boiling in a can of cheap beer. The beer is irrelevant, and since I already know you're poor - use the cheap stuff. I always cook with cheap beer sometimes I put it in the food, said my dad. 

Friday, August 1, 2014

A Little Fry-Day Night Dinner Party

You'll all be happy to know I am now among the ranks of the employed. For those of you who've accompanied me on this arduous and emotionally unstable journey, as well as those who've held my hair back while I puked or wiped away my tears of rage, this one's for you! While it's been nice cashing those unemployment checks and feeding myself with the Link card (jk, they rejected my application), I don't think I'll miss the long empty days of over-masturbating and meticulous detail cleaning, nor will I miss the hours I sat going blind looking at job listings. The new gig really gets me: crafting full-time now ya'll. That isn't supposed to sound as Portlandia as it does. It's a nice feeling, having income again. So I thought, it's time to celebrate and drink for pleasure instead of necessity. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Little Appetizer Sampler

Nope, you're not at an Applebee's, and nope this shit ain't half-off. While I do have an ice-skate and Wizard of Oz memorabilia on my walls, I'd hope my apartment isn't as depressing as a chain restaurant built in the parking lot of a Smalltown, USA mall. If you're thinking this is gonna be some kind of tutorial on how to deep fry a string cheese, I'm sorry to disappoint you. That's coming later in the week. If you need to know one thing about me, other than my third nipple, it's that I love to picnic. If I could eat every meal outside I would. Maybe it's because my shitbox apartment lacks air conditioning. In any case, I've decided I'm tired of wasting my money on pre-packaged goods when I can just as easily make them myself. Plus, it gives me a cheap thrill to get compliments on my homemade goodies. If you know how to can stuff, the following recipes will make excellent pantry staples or gifts around the holidays, ya cheap bastard. I don't know how to seal the jars and after enough failed attempts, I give up. Besides, none of this stuff ever lasts long enough to require preserving them in mason jars and magic.