Thursday, April 23, 2015

A Little Fish 'n Chips


Friday nights chez Toulouse are exactly like a Catholic church charity event: fish, booze, gambling and nicotine-stained walls. I'm leery when it comes to fish. Something about the way it smells. It's really no scarier than chicken or beef, just more expensive and easier to screw up.  In my younger and poorer days, (when I shared a small one-bedroom apartment with a college friend) I made this dish to impress a date. Somehow neither of us died, but 4 years later the relationship did. For some reason salmon seems fancy, but only because it's expensive. If it's not expensive, stay away because god only knows where it came from. Salmon says to the world that you are health conscious with disposable income. I typically don't go for salmon, but when I do - I only cook it one way because variety is the spice of life. This is so easy you don't even have to stop drinking to make it.

Salmon pairs well with white wine, and beer, and red wine, and gin, and vodka and nail polish remover or whatever else you have under the sink.

you will need the following 

1 hefty portion of $almon. (with or without scales)
lemon
fresh rosemary
garlic
olive oil 
salt & pepper

Step 1: Preheat oven to 375. Line a baking dish with olive oil and a small amount of lemon juice. Arrange lemon slices in baking dish and top each with a sprig of rosemary. 

Step 2: Lay salmon pieces on top of lemon slices. Drizzle some olive oil on fish, sprinkle with salt and pepper. Dowse in lemon juice. Top fish with rosemary springs and then lemon slices. Arrange garlic cloves around fish. Cover with foil. Bake 20 minutes. Salmon will flake with a fork when it's done. You can't undercook salmon, but you sure can overcook it - and everyone will hate you. 


I'm trying my damnedest to eat healthy. If I eat healthy dinners I can eat as many bagels I want, or so I read. Nothing tastes as good as bagels look, I think Oprah said that. I'm also trying to be craftier with the vegetables in my fridge that are on the turn. I figured if I cut them to look like sweet potato fries I wouldn't know the difference. And since I was stoned when I ate them, it worked. Not sure why I thought the maple would be good with carrots, but turns out I'm a culinary genius, or just high. These carrots were great thanks to my secret weapon: 


Only grade B for my family. 

you will need the following: 

5 Carrots
Maple Syrup from the Table of a Cracker Barrel
Chopped rosemary 
salt & pepper


Step 1: Chop carrots into sticks. Heat butter in skillet. Add carrots to hot butter. Season to taste with rosemary. 

Step 2: Let carrots simmer and break down in butter for 10-15 minutes. Let them brown. 

Step 3: Add 2 tbsp maple syrup. Let the sugars caramelize until carrots darken. Serve hot. 





Tuesday, March 31, 2015

A Little Spring Fare


I made five pies for a fundraiser this weekend (including a chocolate chess pie), but I won't be showing you that. Let's face it, winter is mostly over and while all the snow has melted away, the fat on your ass probably hasn't. Everyone told me after the age of twenty-five your metabolism slows down, I just figured like most laws, it didn't apply to me. Twenty-five breezed by in late night burgers and ice cream and I stayed skinny as a whippet, partially because of the manic period, but mostly because of good genetics. Now that I'm twenty-six, I'm a little bit wiser and a little bit wider. As a former fat-kid this is all cause for worry. My mom warns me about the hereditary "spread" that happens to people on her side of the family; a non scientific condition in which the hips and ass spread wider than the shoulders. As many of you know, I have an ass that won't quit, but after taking a good look around at the holidays, I'm realizing my fate if I keep eating with reckless abandon. I'd rather hate my reflection for all those hateful things it said to that bus driver than its flabby butt. That's why I'm starting with me. 

My plus-one recently embarked on a #cleaneatingchallenge which was just as annoying as it sounds. I did learn something though, and that is life's too short to count calories and read labels. Eat what you want. You can trust big food companies. That's why I choose Kraft Easy Mac for my family...

Monday, March 23, 2015

A Little Heart Attack


As winter squeezes out the last drops of our souls, don't be too hasty putting that CrockPot away. Yeah, thanks assholes who wore sandals and shorts on the one day it was 60 degrees - the hellish snowstorm this week was probably your fault.

I've become the cranky old lady I was destined to be. I collect kitty cat knick-knacks, wear socks to bed and if the mood strikes me, I might yell at a bank teller. Oh, and I eat lots of soups. It's like a hot salad.  There's really nothing better on a chilly spring day than coming home to a warm bowl of mush. Soups are also good for feeding big groups of people with limited supplies. I've been known to throw together a soup with little more than chicken bouillon and expired celery. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

A Little Warm Up


There comes a point in every relationship when you learn what kind of pornography the other is into. Apropos of nothing, my plus-one recently revealed a new video he enjoys starring a man named Stu. My initial thought was there's no way anyone that good looking is actually named "Stu." My second thought was of all the porno names you could choose, Stu is pretty solid because it reminds me of things that are hot and beefy. Well done Stu. This one's for you!

I got this enameled cast iron beauty for Christmas exclusively for the purpose of braising meats. The last one I had was a thrift store find which unfortunately didn't live very long. This bad boy cost a pretty penny which is why it was a gift from my parents. I know they're technically called "dutch ovens" but I just can't say it without thinking of the practice that single-handedly ruined my parents' marriage. As far as I'm concerned, no kitchen is complete without this $200 cooking vessel.