A Little Summer Night

After riding my bike home from work, I'm usually melting into a puddle of filth and attitude. During a summer heatwave, the last thing anyone wants to do is live without air conditioning or slave over a hot stove. For this, there are what I call "Lazy Mom" dinners: light dinner items that require little to no effort. When I was a kid, my mom was a proud SAHM (Stay At Home Mom). It was the 90s, we didn't know better. My family spent nearly every summer day at a rundown swim club called Crestwood. Woo! Go Cobras! The microcosm of a summer swim club must be exhausting, because after a long day of sunning herself with half a dozen other SAHMS, my mom was beat. 

Never one to serve salad that didn't come pre-mixed in a plastic bag, instead my mom made magical things like Bacon Lettuce Tomato sandwiches, usually sans lettuce. As sad as microwaved bacon on a special tray made for the microwaving of bacon sounds, it really is the taste of summer to me. I swear we weren't 4H kids, but my dad used to help us plant a vegetable garden in the backyard every year. We always had tons of fresh tomatoes. Makes the $.99 per lb roma tomatoes at Jewel look abysmal. 

When your boyfriend is vegetarian it kinda takes the air out of a BLT, ya know? Vaginatarian bacon has a reputation for sucking, so I never bothered. I crowdsourced the best one to try because I refuse to let his dietary restriction come between me and my dreams. Turns out Morning Star is the good one if you must. It crisps and with the help of food paint looks just like fake bacon. 

A Little Sunday Funday

Sunday mornings Chez Toulouse are an occasion worth looking forward to - we grocery shop at our local farmer's Aldi, then come home and clean the apartment to our favorite Judy Garland and Fleetwood Mac records. It's the Lord's day and I intend to do whatever the hell I want with it. Neighbors bedamned! Gin rickeys, holistic toilet bowl cleaner and The Man that Got Away sound like a Sunday-Funday to me. While I scoop the litterbox and work on my vibrato, a homemade marinara sauce usually simmers away on the stove. My hot Italian blood is only good for two things: exaggerated emotional outbursts and one helluva pasta sauce. I don't believe in jarred sauce, but I do believe in spending just as much and working twice as hard on sauce that basically tastes the same. In my poorer years, I lived on pasta and Ragu. Now that I'm a grown man with love handles, I try to consolidate my carb-intake to one night of the week. This ever-romantic weekend tradition is known as Pasta Sunday at my house. When all my chores are done, my plus-one and I slip into our best elastic-waisted bottoms and plop our fatasses down in front of a movie I rented from the lib'ary. That's amore!

A Little Spring Fare

I made five pies for a fundraiser this weekend (including a chocolate chess pie), but I won't be showing you that. Let's face it, winter is mostly over and while all the snow has melted away, the fat on your ass probably hasn't. Everyone told me after the age of twenty-five your metabolism slows down, I just figured like most laws, it didn't apply to me. Twenty-five breezed by in late night burgers and ice cream and I stayed skinny as a whippet, partially because of the manic period, but mostly because of good genetics. Now that I'm twenty-six, I'm a little bit wiser and a little bit wider. As a former fat-kid this is all cause for worry. My mom warns me about the hereditary "spread" that happens to people on her side of the family; a non scientific condition in which the hips and ass spread wider than the shoulders. As many of you know, I have an ass that won't quit, but after taking a good look around at the holidays, I'm realizing my fate if I keep eating with reckless abandon. I'd rather hate my reflection for all those hateful things it said to that bus driver than its flabby butt. That's why I'm starting with me. 

My plus-one recently embarked on a #cleaneatingchallenge which was just as annoying as it sounds. I did learn something though, and that is life's too short to count calories and read labels. Eat what you want. You can trust big food companies. That's why I choose Kraft Easy Mac for my family...

A Little Heart Attack

As winter squeezes out the last drops of our souls, don't be too hasty putting that CrockPot away. Yeah, thanks assholes who wore sandals and shorts on the one day it was 60 degrees - the hellish snowstorm this week was probably your fault.

I've become the cranky old lady I was destined to be. I collect kitty cat knick-knacks, wear socks to bed and if the mood strikes me, I might yell at a bank teller. Oh, and I eat lots of soups. It's like a hot salad.  There's really nothing better on a chilly spring day than coming home to a warm bowl of mush. Soups are also good for feeding big groups of people with limited supplies. I've been known to throw together a soup with little more than chicken bouillon and expired celery. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes. 

Breaking Down a Pumpkin

In the days of the pilgrims, they must have had a lot more time on their hands to do shit like this. I'm guessing Indians didn't have to sublet their teepees. That's right. The Little Dinner Party is moving yet again, this time to a place with an actual kitchen and more than three chairs. Between showing my apartment to Loser A and Bad Credit B - I've barely had time to cook. You might say I'll be really thankful when this apartment is off my hands. 

I like pumpkin stuff, sue me. Over the years I've gone back and forth between buying the cheap can of pumpkin versus taking the time and effort to make my own. Now that I'm a busy-bee, I've been buying it canned. Does it taste different? I have no idea. One just makes you feel a bit more smug when people ask for your pumpkin pie recipe. 

Most people think the pumpkin in pie is from the goo inside. It's actually the shell, peeled and cooked. Not all pumpkins are good for this. Specifically a "pie" pumpkin is the one you should use. They are usually pretty cheap, but not as cheap as a can of pumpkin. One pie pumpkin makes about two and a half cups of puree, which can be used in any recipe. 

A Little Pasta Sunday

If you're reading this, it probably means you're also awake at 4:30 in the morning. In my new life as semi-professional baker for Bang Bang Pie Shop I keep the hours of a farmer. That means waking up before the rooster crows and going to sleep sometimes before the sun even sets. That being said, it beats the hell out of corporate life.  I'm on a vision quest folks, I'll see ya when I run out of peyote. The plus side is that it's really brought my cat and I closer together. In the case of yesterday morning, Baby Toulouse's never-ending appetite for crushed up pretzels and water got me out of bed on time, after I slept through my alarm. I'd say sorry for the long gap between posts, but if you're really that into my blog, your life is probably sad. 

A Little Buonasera Dinner

Since there aren't any good holidays to look forward to for awhile, I've decided to focus on cultural stereotype-themed dinner parties. It's tough to do Italian without eating a box of pasta or a pallet of meatballs. It's also hard to refrain from Giada-like pronunciations of basic words like Spaghetti. My guests know better than to eat my meatballs, unless they wanna spend the next day puking and pooping themselves sick. I have a meatball curse - you stand warned.  

When I think Italian, I think about the two most complimentary words in fine dining: Olive.Garden. Fortunately I don't live in the suburbs, so the closest to Darden dining we have in the city is Maggiano's by Lettuce Entertain You. Spending good money on Italian food seems like a terrible waste, considering you can make noodles and sauce in about ten minutes for like two dollars. Even the fanciest of concoctions can be done at home for far less, and probably far better. 

Eggplant Parmajean with Spaghetti Squash

I've heard this dish pronounced as parma-jean, more often than not because I grew up in Ohio. A few summers and studio apartments ago, I went through a phase in which I made chicken parmajean almost every night. I'd sit by an open window and eat my unnecessarily complicated dinner while watching assholes and their brats play in the rooftop pool of the condo across the air shaft. For that reason, I romanticize this. Now that I'm cooking for vegetarians more often, I swapped out the dead bird for dead eggplant, which I recently discovered isn't as gross as it looks. I accidentally had this once at a work function catered by Maggiano's and I don't remember liking it much. Mine's better. I served it on spaghetti squash because I'm getting skinny-fat. 

A Little Religious Occasion Dinner

It's that time of year again. The time when birds start singing, flowers bloom out of the ground and then a big fucking snow storm comes through and ruins April. It's also the time of year people have vaguely religious dinner parties. The only temple I worship at is currently under federal investigation, so I can't say whether lasagna is traditional to any other religion than my appetite. Whether you're a spiritual person or not, someone will ask you to attend their vaguely religious dinner, be it Easter or Passover. Just last night I went to my first homosexual Seder. There are few things in this world I wouldn't do for good brisket including, but not limited to, murder. The best part of being in a Facebook relationship with a vegetarian is that I get to eat his portion of brisket. I know, you're all tired of reading my vegetarian recipes, but you can't imagine how sick I am of eating them. My rule for vegetarian cookery is that I'll never stoop to that vegan bullshit. I'm not even trying to hear about nutritional yeast. The key to making brisket-lovers enjoy a brisket-less dinner is giving people a dish worthy of a main course. That does not include salad or soup, unless it's lunch at Olive Garden and it's available in a never ending quantity.

A Little Cross-Over Dinner

With the NSA leaks, Target data breaches, and Heartbleed, it's about time someone hacked into "The Little Dinner Party." This special hacked edition brings things down a notch to a simple, vegetarian staple: salad. Also known as vegetarian cereal, a salad is a bunch of veggies tossed with a tasty dressing and forked into your mouth. A popular choice for first dates, business lunches, and rabbits, salads are a healthy, hearty way to say "Hey, maybe we should start going to the gym."

Egg & Avacado Salad

A woman once said all the ingredients in a salad should be able to fit in a single bite. This was a woman who enjoyed boring salads. This Egg & Avacado Salad is a healthy, protein-packed way to spend your dinner.

you will need the following

1 head of iceberg lettuce

4 eggs

1 avacado

2 green peppers

1 bag of cheddar cheese

1 bucket of ranch (store-bought, like God intended)

Step 1: Chop your lettuce.

Step 2: Chop your green peppers. Slices of quarter-inch cubes – go wild.

Step 3: Bring a pot of water to a rolling boil. Waterboard the eggs (the "security" theme continues…) for at least 8 minutes or you'll have a soft boil. Or salmonella.

Step 4: Chop your tomatoes.

Step 5: Half your avacodo, scoop the good stuff, and dice it.

Step 6: Combine all the veggies, along with a healthy portion of shredded cheese in a bowl.

Step 7: Drown your veggies in ranch dressing, toss, and servce. You're done!

Step 8: Your boyfriend comes home and lets you know it needs green onions, some crushed up tortilla chips, and pepper.

P.S. No intruder's supper is complete without a seasonal treat from a corporate chain. These Dunkin Donuts™ Peeps™ donuts taste just like momma used to buy.

A Little Pot (Pie) o' Gold

I give up on eating healthy. If it's never going to feel like beach season, I'm just gonna get as fat as I've always wanted. Hopefully it will lead to something great like an amazing career or diabetes. Since it's Pie Day, I figured it was an appropriate time to post this (even though I actually made these to eat while watching the Oscars stoned). This is not my first pot pie rodeo, I made pot pie once before, but it got everyone sick to their butts. This time around, I'm a little bit wiser.  This will also serve as my St. Patrick's Day recipe, since it contains potatoes and it's a pot of gold etc. That being said, I fucking hate St. Patrick's Day. It should just be renamed St. Fratboy's Day. The mere sight of Bros and Trixies wearing stupid green sport team shirts and ridiculous accessories boils my blood. Each seventeenth of March I go into a state of semi-hibernation, only leaving the house for Thin Mints and cat food. This year I've got a few pies to bake for a party, so fuck off everybody. 

Roasted Root Veggie Pot Pies

There's nothing sadder than a $.35 pot pie that sits freezer burning over the years, waiting for you to get just hungry enough to eat it. I made my own! As stated above, I made a pot pie once that caused everyone some digestive mayhem. This time around I opted not to use meat as I think the meat grease is what did people in. This was entirely off the cuff, and the fact that it materialized into anything is impressive. Since sweet potatoes were used in these, they were much sweeter than I expected - in the most delicious way. Some people make pot pies with a full double crust, but I like the look of just a pastry topper, plus it's easier. 

you will need the following: 

for pastry

3/4 c flour

1/2 stick butter

1/2 tsp salt 

garlic salt

herbs

1 tbsp shredded cheddar (opt.)

splash of cold water

for filling

1 small sweet potato (peeled and cubed)

3 carrots 

2 celery stalks

1/2 yellow onion

1/2 c flour

1/2 stick butter

3/4 c whole milk

3/4 c vegetable stock

fresh or dry thyme

salt & pepper

Step 1: Set oven to 375. Line a baking sheet with foil and dowse cubed sweet potatoes and carrots in olive oil, thyme, salt and pepper. Roast for about thirty minutes. 

Step 2: In the meantime, mix dry ingredients and cut in the butter. Using a pastry cutter or a large spoon work butter into flour mixture until crumbly. Add cold water one tablespoon at a time until desired consistency. Roll into a ball and chill for a few minutes. Roll out pastry and return to fridge until ready to use. 

Step 3: Melt half a stick of butter in a heavy-bottomed pot. Cook onion and celery in butter with lots of thyme until translucent. 

Step 4: Add half cup flour and heat for only a minute on very low heat. Slowly start adding the stock. Then add milk and begin whisking the mixture together. Add in roasted veggies. Use lots of salt and pepper, otherwise it's gonna taste very bland. 

Step 5: Pour mixture into pot pie dishes. Top with pastry. Brush with milk. Cut vent holes. Bake pies on a baking sheet for about 45 minutes. Allow to cool before serving. 

A Little (Meatless) Biscuits & Gravy

Look, I don't like vegetarians any more than you but lately I happen to be eating a lot of meals with one. I know I said I'd never go down the fake meat route but here we are. Some fake meats are better than others, but at the end of the day, if it didn't suffer - I don't want it. Nothing says good morning like a cup of hot gravy. Despite his vegetarianism, my plus-one loves biscuits & gravy so I got crafty in the kitchen. By crafty in the kitchen, I mean I researched a few recipes that didn't annoy me and made up my own version. Turns out, biscuits and gravy are pretty much the same ingredients reconfigured, which is why poor people love it. This seems healthier since technically there aren't any meat drippings in it, but the flavor comes from butter, so who knows. I'm sure the flour base isn't great for the ol' waistline but as I always say, a fat mom is a fun mom. 

Homemade Biscuits

In this house biscuits usually come from a tube, but not these biscuits! In fact, they're so easy even my guest could make them while I watched and drank, just like mom used to. As long as you have butter, flour, milk, salt and baking powder you're in business. (You'll need all this shit for the gravy anyways). 

you will need the following: 

2 c flour

1/2 stick butter 

3/4 c milk 

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt 

black pepper (optional)

Step 1: Oven to 400. Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and blend until all flour has a yellow-ish tint and sort of sticks together. Use hands or pastry cutter to blend in butter. Make a mound in the center of mixing bowl and pour in milk gradually. Stir until dough forms.

Step 2: Knead dough on a floured surface. Roll out to 1/2" thickness. 

Step 3: Using a biscuit cutter (or wine glass) make your guest cut out circles of dough. Continue until all dough is used. This recipe will make about a dozen. 

Step 4: Bake on a greased cookie sheet for about 15 minutes, or until golden brown. 

Vegetarian Sausage Gravy

Making gravy is ridiculously easy, even when the pilot light of your stovetop goes out and you have to pretend that you aren't really pissed about it because you have company over. For instance. It's just thickened flour-milk with meat bits floating around in it. So think about that next time you're at Bob Evan's. 

you will need the following: 

The other half-stick of butter

1 pack fake sausage patties

3 c whole milk 

3 tbsp flour

salt & pepper

other spices (optional)

Step 1: Melt some butter in a pot. Heat fake meat until cooked through. Remove and cut into small bits. Set aside. 

Step 2: Using melted butter and fake meat juice, add more butter and melt down. 

Step 3: Mix in flour to absorb butter. It will look like cat barf for a minute. Add milk and whisk 'til smooth. Keep it at a slow simmer so it thickens but doesn't scour. 

Step 4: Return fake meat to the pot and simmer for a few more minutes. This fake meat makes for real flavor, or so I was told to write. 

Pour gravy over biscuits. Enjoy. Snapchat to friends and former lovers. 

A Little Chili Cook-Off

I use the phrase "cook-off" lightly here as I only made one kind of chili. This post has nothing to do with the god damned Super Bowl, unless we're talking about super sized bowls of slow-simmered soups. I keep hearing all about some giant snow storm that is about to hit Chicago, so far, not even so much as a flurry. Anyways, when the weather man starts talkin' crazy, I like to prepare myself for potential shut-in status. A crock-pot is an essential kitchen fixture for shut-ins and moms on a budget. I don't use mine as often as I should but ohhh baby when I do, the whole hall of my apartment building smells. I decided to go vegetarian on this one because I really liked the vegetarian chili at a cafe where I once waited tables. The cooks there put in all sorts of stuff like carrots and garbanzo beans. Carrots in chili? Now I've seen everything. Needless to say, I didn't put any in mine because carrots are a bitch to chop. 

Vegetarian Chili

Chilis are an inexact science, and since I like my food inedibly spicy, it's always a gamble. This one didn't wreck me, so I'll try to remember my method. It's best if you take all the seeds and fiber out of your jalapenos. Even if you think you can handle it, that shit has a way of sneaking up on you later. No bueno. Notice there are no beans in this, feel free to use them, not my style but you do you, girl. Also, the longer you let soups simmer, the better they taste. In fact, make it a day ahead and live off of it while confined to your wintery abode. Or invite friends over if you've got 'em. Ole. 

you will need the following: 

1 green bell pepper 

1 yellow or orange bell pepper

1 zucchini

2 jalapenos (hulled)

3 tomatoes 

1/2 white onion 

2-3 cloves garlic

16 oz tomato sauce

1 cup water 

1 can of corn 

2 tbsp chili powder

1 tbsp cumin

Salt & pepper

a dash of cinnamon

fresh cilantro (optional)

Step 1: Begin warming water and tomato sauce in your crock pot on high if you want to eat sooner, low if you want to eat later. While that's going on, chop stuff up. 

Step 2: In a skillet, heat onions, zucchini, and peppers in a little oil with spices. Once tender, add garlic and heat for an additional minute. 

Step 3: Throw everything in the crock pot and stir. Adjust spices and seasonings to suit your palate. *Keep in mind, things like peppers and chili powder slowly release their heat, so just because it's not immediately spicy doesn't mean it won't light your ass up when it's done.*

Step 4: Chili is all about the extras. I like to serve mine with some chopped onion, grated cheddar, and if I'm feelin' really Midwestern maybe some seasoned oyster crackers. 

A Little Vegetarian Dinner

So I'm dating a vegetarian. Yes, it grinds my gears. As a meat enthusiast, I'm relearning everything I know about food. Apparently you don't need several kinds of unethically raised animal flesh on the table to call it dinner. I've even tried to cut back on my own meat in-take, insert obvious sexual puns here. Maybe I'm using the wrong search engine but I can't seem to find a vegetarian cooking blog that doesn't piss me off. I'm a purist when it comes to food, well, as purist as any GMO-slurping, urban-dwelling, American can be. I'm leery about using "faux" meat. If it's not meat and it's not dairy, what the hell is it? You can eat all the tofu you want, but I don't care for it. When cooking for my vegetarian I'm just gonna stick to vegetables and grains for now. At least he isn't vegan. Hail seitan! 

Je m'appelle Ratatouille!

Nope, I haven't seen the movie but I've heard great things. I'll usually watch anything concerning epicurious rodents, but for some reason I've missed this one. Typically this dish calls for eggplant. I'm not crazy about eggplant, I can't quite define why, but something about it rubs me the wrong way. I replaced eggplant with heirloom tomato slices and it was excellent. I love buying new kitchen stuff and since this recipe calls for paper thin slices of veggies, I finally invested in a good kitchen knife. This was ridiculously easy and the leftovers were easily repurposed into omelets the next morning. 

you will need the following: 

1/2 onion (minced)

2 garlic cloves (sliced thin)

1 c tomato puree (or sauce)

2 tbsp olive oil 

1 zucchini (sliced thin)

1 yellow squash (sliced thin)

1 red bell pepper (sliced thin)

1 heirloom tomato (sliced thin)

Fresh thyme 

Salt & pepper

Goat cheese (optional)

Polenta 

Step 1: Oven to 375. Pour tomato puree into an ovular dish, unless you don't have one. In which case use a pie dish. Mix sauce with chopped onion, garlic slices and 1 tbsp olive oil. Season to taste. 

Step 2: Arrange thin sliced veggies in a circular pattern. 

Step 3: Top veggies with fresh thyme and drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. This part sucks, but try to cut a circle of parchment paper that will fit inside the dish and cover your veggies. I'm really not sure why this is important but the cookbook said it was. 

Step 4: Bake 45 minutes. Prepare a bed of polenta (or any other grain you like) for the ratatouille. 

Top with goat cheese and serve immediately.