Monday, January 26, 2015

A Little Cooking Lesson: Calzones

There are situations in life that only a calzone can cure, most of which take place after an evening of heavy drinking. My guilty pleasure, when I indulge in delivery, is a calzone from Sarpino's. I'd be ashamed of it if it weren't so gosh darned good. No matter from which of their plentiful locations you order, it somehow arrives at your door before you can slip into your best Snuggy. This delightful treat reminds me of when I was a fatty in middle school and spent my weekends on the phone with Pizza Hut ordering P'zones. Other than the freezer of Sarpino's, I have no idea what the origins of the calzone are. What I do know is that it's basically a small pizza folded in half, and I like that. 

The best part of being in a relationship is the mutual decision to let your bodies go during the cold weather months. With calories on the mind, what better way to enjoy your partner's company than with clothes on in the kitchen?!

I presented this like a high-end cooking class, because making calzones as a balm for our bleeding souls seemed more romantic than calling my pals at Sarpino's, again. I even splurged and went to Trader Joe's for ingredients like fresh pizza dough and organic sauce, very fancy. I don't really give a shit about organic, but I was already there and figured, since it was date night I'd spend a little more on a can of tomato sauce. My plus-one sure is worth the extra fifty cents.

For maximum results, start you evening with a finger food like olives, and a pitcher of your favorite Skinny Girl cocktails. Relax, put on your lover's favorite Michael Jackson album and get saucy.

The point is, buy things to put in your grown-up Hot Pocket. My plus-one asked for broccoli and cheddar, but I said no. 

For the sake of romance, make this step as erotic as possible. The more flour the better. 

Liberally smear half of dough with sauce, cheese, and whatever you think would be good. This is the step that flour plays a crucial role. Couples will either laugh off their failure or break up when attempting to gracefully scrape dinner off the kitchen counter. Good luck. 

Use the thirty minutes for lovemaking or more Skinny Girl cocktails, or both. 

Allow to cool five minutes. Use remaining pizza sauce as side dish. 

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