A Little $pecial Occasion

Every once in awhile the master of dark desires gives us a reason to dress up, like a birthday or a funeral. In this instance it was my 27th Birthday. 27 is a really special age for artistic geniuses such as myself. Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, James Dean (not the porno actor) and Kurt Cobain all tragically died at this lucky number, often referred to as the "Twenty Seven Club." I one time wrote that in a birthday card to my best friend on her 27th birthday....and then she told me she had to have a biopsy on her boob. I felt like an asshole, but she ended up being fine. 

Assuming I'll probably die of an overdose this year (an overdose of 80s pop music and Halloween candy) - I figured if this is my last birthday I wanna eat the best possible thing I can think of. Hence the Lobster Mac n Cheese. About a month ago I was strolling through the grocery store and I saw lobster tails on a very good sale. Marked down seafood is probably suspect, but I had just quit my job and this seemed like the master of dark desires giving me a sign to spend what little money I had left frivolously. I looked at my half price lobster as an investment, so I stuck them in the freezer for a special occasion. 

A Little Spring Fare

I made five pies for a fundraiser this weekend (including a chocolate chess pie), but I won't be showing you that. Let's face it, winter is mostly over and while all the snow has melted away, the fat on your ass probably hasn't. Everyone told me after the age of twenty-five your metabolism slows down, I just figured like most laws, it didn't apply to me. Twenty-five breezed by in late night burgers and ice cream and I stayed skinny as a whippet, partially because of the manic period, but mostly because of good genetics. Now that I'm twenty-six, I'm a little bit wiser and a little bit wider. As a former fat-kid this is all cause for worry. My mom warns me about the hereditary "spread" that happens to people on her side of the family; a non scientific condition in which the hips and ass spread wider than the shoulders. As many of you know, I have an ass that won't quit, but after taking a good look around at the holidays, I'm realizing my fate if I keep eating with reckless abandon. I'd rather hate my reflection for all those hateful things it said to that bus driver than its flabby butt. That's why I'm starting with me. 

My plus-one recently embarked on a #cleaneatingchallenge which was just as annoying as it sounds. I did learn something though, and that is life's too short to count calories and read labels. Eat what you want. You can trust big food companies. That's why I choose Kraft Easy Mac for my family...

A Little Cooking Lesson: Calzones

There are situations in life that only a calzone can cure, most of which take place after an evening of heavy drinking. My guilty pleasure, when I indulge in delivery, is a calzone from Sarpino's. I'd be ashamed of it if it weren't so gosh darned good. No matter from which of their plentiful locations you order, it somehow arrives at your door before you can slip into your best Snuggy. This delightful treat reminds me of when I was a fatty in middle school and spent my weekends on the phone with Pizza Hut ordering P'zones. Other than the freezer of Sarpino's, I have no idea what the origins of the calzone are. What I do know is that it's basically a small pizza folded in half, and I like that. 

A Little Peasant Dinner

This doesn't count as pumpkin because it's squash. Don't get me wrong, I love autumnal cuisine, but there are other ways to cook seasonally without allspice and nutmeg. If you're like me, you're probably really lazy. Lately I've been entirely too lazy to go on a full-scale grocery run but as a person of limited means, I don't do much take out. Occasionally this means scraping the bottoms of my cabinets and figuring out which one or two things I need in order to justify a stop at Jewel for Halloween candy. In this week's episode I remembered that I had a dusty box of spaghetti in the back of my pantry, and a week-old roasted butternut squash decomposing in my fridge. It's a good day when I have an egg. The result was very elegant. All I had to add was fresh sage, bacon and cheese. A trip to Jewel under $5, well $8 if you account for the well-deserved pint of Ben & Jerry's. It takes a lot of money to eat this cheap. 

Butternut Squash Carbonara

Yes, I know it's not a true carbonara, but I don't really give a shit. Prosciutto tastes like human skin. Instead a used slightly crisped chopped bacon because this here is America damnit. I took a note from a Martha Stewart recipe I once screwed up and I started by frying the fresh sage in butter first. This resulted in more little crispy bits incorporated throughout. As you can tell I like any dish with crispy little pieces of fried things. Stay crispy this fall with butternut squash, arguably the tastiest squash. And cheap! I've got a family to feed. 

you will need the following: 

1 half roasted decomposing butternut squash

1 dusty half-box of spaghetti

1 where-did-this-come-from? egg

1 c when-did-I-buy parmesan cheese

3 tbsp chopped sage

2 strips crisped chopped bacon 

1/2 chopped onion

2 cloves minced garlic

2-3 tbsp butter

salt & pepper

1.) Boil spaghetti. Reserve 1 cup of pasta water.

2.) Fry chopped sage in butter until crispy. Then add squash, onion, bacon and garlic and cook until warm.

3.) Slowly add in spaghetti and mix with squash and bacon. Add slashes of hot pasta water to keep the pasta moving.

4.) Shake in cheese while stirring in 1 egg. Keep stirring over heat until egg is mixed with cheese and pasta.

Serve Immediately. 

A Little Harvest Dinner

Put on your favorite Lululemon leggings and grab your Northface jacket because we're making pumpkin shit! It's fall again, and that means the leaves are coming down and all my Twin Peaks thrift store sweaters are coming out. Suddenly I'm terribly annoyed at all the pumpkin spice crap I keep seeing everywhere, specifically Aldi. Who needs pumpkin spice scented tampons?! The good thing is that a month from now when they put out peppermint bark scented panty liners, the pumpkin spice ones will be cheaper than even regular sanitary pads. Ladies, forgive my limited knowledge of your bathroom products. Though, I'd probably sleep with anyone if their bush smelled like cinnamon and cloves. As the author of this cooking website, I'm required by law to post at least one pumpkin recipe per Autumn. So listen up assholes because I'm only gonna write this once. 

A Little Cheese Maker

Amidst all these new cheeseboard FDA findings, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. I can personally say that my cheeseboards are clean enough to eat cheese off of. I figure if it ain't broke don't fix it. I don't know a single person to get sick from eating artisanal cheeses, except that time I made a date really sick with my signature mac 'n cheese, but really it was his own fault for not telling me he was lactose intolerant. 

For a cheesy date, try this Urban Cheesecraft kit!  I'm not usually one to hock the goods on my blog, but this seemed like a great opportunity to take something sorta complicated and make it look easy. Truth be told, all I did was watch my partner do this while I day-drank wine. It was a lot like a high school chemistry class, and my lab partner did all the work. Cheated my way through then and I'll be damned if I won't do the same thing now. This cheese was an A plus. 

Little Dinner Party in the Park

It's that time again! The most wonderful and bug-bitten season of Chicago. Some might say I'm a cheap date, and they'd be absolutely right. Last summer I was scrapping the bottom of the financial barrel and picnicing was about the only way I could trick my dates into thinking frugal al fresco dining was romantic instead of just poor. You'd be surprised how affordable salads, breads, cheeses, dips, olives, candy and re-labeled Charles Shaw wines are. Especially when you prepare everything yourself in attractive picnic-wear. No one will suspect you actually only have six dollars in your checking account until next week. 

A Little Vegetarian Dinner

So I'm dating a vegetarian. Yes, it grinds my gears. As a meat enthusiast, I'm relearning everything I know about food. Apparently you don't need several kinds of unethically raised animal flesh on the table to call it dinner. I've even tried to cut back on my own meat in-take, insert obvious sexual puns here. Maybe I'm using the wrong search engine but I can't seem to find a vegetarian cooking blog that doesn't piss me off. I'm a purist when it comes to food, well, as purist as any GMO-slurping, urban-dwelling, American can be. I'm leery about using "faux" meat. If it's not meat and it's not dairy, what the hell is it? You can eat all the tofu you want, but I don't care for it. When cooking for my vegetarian I'm just gonna stick to vegetables and grains for now. At least he isn't vegan. Hail seitan! 

Je m'appelle Ratatouille!

Nope, I haven't seen the movie but I've heard great things. I'll usually watch anything concerning epicurious rodents, but for some reason I've missed this one. Typically this dish calls for eggplant. I'm not crazy about eggplant, I can't quite define why, but something about it rubs me the wrong way. I replaced eggplant with heirloom tomato slices and it was excellent. I love buying new kitchen stuff and since this recipe calls for paper thin slices of veggies, I finally invested in a good kitchen knife. This was ridiculously easy and the leftovers were easily repurposed into omelets the next morning. 

you will need the following: 

1/2 onion (minced)

2 garlic cloves (sliced thin)

1 c tomato puree (or sauce)

2 tbsp olive oil 

1 zucchini (sliced thin)

1 yellow squash (sliced thin)

1 red bell pepper (sliced thin)

1 heirloom tomato (sliced thin)

Fresh thyme 

Salt & pepper

Goat cheese (optional)

Polenta 

Step 1: Oven to 375. Pour tomato puree into an ovular dish, unless you don't have one. In which case use a pie dish. Mix sauce with chopped onion, garlic slices and 1 tbsp olive oil. Season to taste. 

Step 2: Arrange thin sliced veggies in a circular pattern. 

Step 3: Top veggies with fresh thyme and drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. This part sucks, but try to cut a circle of parchment paper that will fit inside the dish and cover your veggies. I'm really not sure why this is important but the cookbook said it was. 

Step 4: Bake 45 minutes. Prepare a bed of polenta (or any other grain you like) for the ratatouille. 

Top with goat cheese and serve immediately. 

A Little Breakfast in Bed

Because your ass is hungover. I know I'm always posting about quiches and it's starting to look lazy. I justify that technically this is almost a Flamiche. Don't ask me the difference because I don't care. I really applaud myself on this because a.) it was delicious b.) I made it the night before to minimize effort in my hungover state and c.) I remembered champagne and orange juice to aid said hangover. I probably wouldn't have gone to all this trouble but my boyfriend was going on a last-minute trip to Africa later that day and had spent the night. Yes, that is a thing that happened. I figured if this was the last time I would see him alive, at least we ate well. Sort of. 

Bastardized Flamiche

Again, I'm not totally sure what a flamiche is, but I do know it contains a mixture of leeks and gruyere cheese. This was mostly off the cuff, but it's a good thing my cuff has such good taste. I think some recipes do contain potatoes and since my bedfellow is a vegetarian I added them for extra substance. Typically this dish is prepared in a tart pan, but that seems stupid so I used a shallow pie dish. 

You will need the following

1 pastry shell (I used my own savory herb and cheddar recipe)

1 leek stalk, chopped

1 tbsp butter

4 eggs

1/2 c cream or whole milk

1 c shredded gruyere  

1 russet potato sliced and boiled

dried thyme 

dried rosemary

salt & pepper 

Step 1: Clean leeks and cut off the dark green ends and roots. Turns out leeks are just giant green onions. Chop them like so and saute in butter until soft. 

Step 2: Boil potato slices and then let sit until cool-ish. Sprinkle them with dried rosemary so they have flavor. 

Step 3: Whisk together milk and eggs. Toss in leeks and keep whisking until mixed up 

Step 4: Build your flamiche by putting the pastry shell in your pie dish. Then line it with potatoes. Then a layer of cheese. Then your egg shit followed by more cheese. Salt and pepper it up. Or skip reading this step and just look at the picture below. 

Step 5: Bake at 425 for 40 minutes. Allow to cool completely before covering and refrigerating. When reheating, bake at 350 for 20ish minutes. Long enough to think about having sex and then decide not to because all that motion might just make you ralph. 

Gratuitous, I know. 

A Little Picnic Basket

It's finally summer in Chicago, which is basically just like any other season in Chicago except that it features a few hotter-than-hell days and a bevy of new outdoor activities. And speaking of new outdoor activities, if you love embracing your faux-yuppie side as much me, you need to invest in a cheap picnic basket. I bought that little beauty at World Market (don't tell anyone). City picnic-ing may sound unsanitary but I assure you it's a really nice way to enjoy the parks, old movies and maybe some company. When packing a picnic for an outdoor activity, it's important to consider all the "oh shit" things, like blankets, wine openers, bug spray and proper cutting surfaces for your Aldi cheeses. Below I'll outline all you'll need including a biased list of Chicago Park District's Movies-in-the-Park lineup! 

Packing a proper picnic basket is pretty much like a game of Tetris. Like a good dip, it's important to layer. Put your practical items on the bottom, because they should never leave the basket. As you can see, I have trailer-trash cups, napkins, plates, and paper straws (left over from a Halloween party). Key features: wine opener, pig-shaped cheeseboard and a cheese knife. People also love plastic utensils. 

Choosing the right things to bring is pretty easy. Don't bring a whole meal, it makes everyone uncomfortable watching you eat a messy sandwich on their favorite picnic quilt. Think of the snacks people would eat during a party scene in any Nora Ephron movie: soft cheeses, fancy crackers, some kind of sweet fruit, and obviously white wine. For some reason Twizzlers are a staple for my picnic basket. I also made some pretty awesome cookies not featured here. If you are so lucky to be invited to a picnic, don't show up empty handed. At least bring a bottle of wine, it'll get consumed and appreciated. 

Movies in the Park 2013 (Northside)

Earth Girls are Easy @ Wicker Park (6/20)

Little Shop of Horrors @ Churchill Park (6/26)

Funny Girl @ Hollywood Beach (6/28)

Annie @ Chase Park (7/19)

Jurassic Park @ Wicker Park (7/25)

It Happened One Night @ Belmont Harbor (7/29)

The Sandlot @ Montrose Harbor (7/30)

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory @ Montrose Harbor (8/12)

Young Frankenstein @ Grant Park (8/19)

The Wiz @ Oz Park (8/25)

Obviously there are way more movies in way more parks this summer, this is merely the list I curated for me and my homosexual friends. Also Chicagoans, don't forget about Millenium Park and the Ravinia in the 'burbs. Can't wait to picnic out to some David Byrne & St. Vincent!