A Little (Meatless) Biscuits & Gravy

Look, I don't like vegetarians any more than you but lately I happen to be eating a lot of meals with one. I know I said I'd never go down the fake meat route but here we are. Some fake meats are better than others, but at the end of the day, if it didn't suffer - I don't want it. Nothing says good morning like a cup of hot gravy. Despite his vegetarianism, my plus-one loves biscuits & gravy so I got crafty in the kitchen. By crafty in the kitchen, I mean I researched a few recipes that didn't annoy me and made up my own version. Turns out, biscuits and gravy are pretty much the same ingredients reconfigured, which is why poor people love it. This seems healthier since technically there aren't any meat drippings in it, but the flavor comes from butter, so who knows. I'm sure the flour base isn't great for the ol' waistline but as I always say, a fat mom is a fun mom. 

Homemade Biscuits

In this house biscuits usually come from a tube, but not these biscuits! In fact, they're so easy even my guest could make them while I watched and drank, just like mom used to. As long as you have butter, flour, milk, salt and baking powder you're in business. (You'll need all this shit for the gravy anyways). 

you will need the following: 

2 c flour

1/2 stick butter 

3/4 c milk 

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt 

black pepper (optional)

Step 1: Oven to 400. Mix dry ingredients. Cut in butter and blend until all flour has a yellow-ish tint and sort of sticks together. Use hands or pastry cutter to blend in butter. Make a mound in the center of mixing bowl and pour in milk gradually. Stir until dough forms.

Step 2: Knead dough on a floured surface. Roll out to 1/2" thickness. 

Step 3: Using a biscuit cutter (or wine glass) make your guest cut out circles of dough. Continue until all dough is used. This recipe will make about a dozen. 

Step 4: Bake on a greased cookie sheet for about 15 minutes, or until golden brown. 

Vegetarian Sausage Gravy

Making gravy is ridiculously easy, even when the pilot light of your stovetop goes out and you have to pretend that you aren't really pissed about it because you have company over. For instance. It's just thickened flour-milk with meat bits floating around in it. So think about that next time you're at Bob Evan's. 

you will need the following: 

The other half-stick of butter

1 pack fake sausage patties

3 c whole milk 

3 tbsp flour

salt & pepper

other spices (optional)

Step 1: Melt some butter in a pot. Heat fake meat until cooked through. Remove and cut into small bits. Set aside. 

Step 2: Using melted butter and fake meat juice, add more butter and melt down. 

Step 3: Mix in flour to absorb butter. It will look like cat barf for a minute. Add milk and whisk 'til smooth. Keep it at a slow simmer so it thickens but doesn't scour. 

Step 4: Return fake meat to the pot and simmer for a few more minutes. This fake meat makes for real flavor, or so I was told to write. 

Pour gravy over biscuits. Enjoy. Snapchat to friends and former lovers. 

A Little Valen-Pie

Like it or not, Valentine's Day is upon us. Personally, I love it but me being obsessed with holidays is nothing new. Temperatures being what they are, there's really nothing to do but sit inside and bake or do something useful like taxes. As you can see, I choose to bake away my cares. If you're as over-the-top as I am when it comes to telling someone you love them, bake them something fancy too! As the old saying goes, the way to a man's heart is through his pie-hole unless he doesn't have a pie-hole, in which case, break up immediately. 

I've been told my life seems romantic, and while that is true, most people don't see me eating entire confections by myself while the cat tries to look away. Last Valentine's Day I embraced being single and ate an entire heart-shaped cake by myself. This year, I've got someone special to share my pie with, but I still plan on eating the entire thing myself.  

Red Wine-Poached Pear Pie

I don't know about you, but I love combining booze and baking, in fact, I won't do one without the other. I'd never had pear pie, until I made one for a family function during the darkest Christmas of my life. When none of it got eaten I didn't handle it well, so I hope nobody remembers me psychotically waving a pie server at them. The problem was that the pears didn't cook all the way through and were kinda chewy. That, and I used way too much anise extract and nobody likes black licorice except me. This time around I did some research and decided to poach them in red wine first. Turns out poaching just means boiling, or killing safari animals for their tusks and hides. Boiling the pears in wine with spices broke them down to a soft state before you bake them, so that the only thing you really need to concern yourself with is whether your crust gets golden and whether mixing wine and sedatives is bad in a lethal way. 

you will need the following: 

2 of your favorite pie crusts

4 ripe d'anjou pears (sliced)

1 1/2 c water

1 c cheap red wine 

1/4 c sugar

Juice and rind of one lemon

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp anise extract (don't worry, it mostly boils out)

Cinnamon & various autumnal spices

2 tsp corn starch

Step 1: Line a pie plate with one crust. Preheat oven to 350. 

Step 2: Bring pears, water, wine, sugar, extracts and spices to boil. Allow to slow-simmer until soft. 

Step 3: Remove pears from mulled wine and set aside. Simmer wine until reduced to 3/4 cup. 

Step 4: Arrange pears in bottom crust. Pour wine syrup over pears. Adhere top crust and brush with milk. Bake pie about an hour. Allow to set-up overnight before serving.

A Little Chili Cook-Off

I use the phrase "cook-off" lightly here as I only made one kind of chili. This post has nothing to do with the god damned Super Bowl, unless we're talking about super sized bowls of slow-simmered soups. I keep hearing all about some giant snow storm that is about to hit Chicago, so far, not even so much as a flurry. Anyways, when the weather man starts talkin' crazy, I like to prepare myself for potential shut-in status. A crock-pot is an essential kitchen fixture for shut-ins and moms on a budget. I don't use mine as often as I should but ohhh baby when I do, the whole hall of my apartment building smells. I decided to go vegetarian on this one because I really liked the vegetarian chili at a cafe where I once waited tables. The cooks there put in all sorts of stuff like carrots and garbanzo beans. Carrots in chili? Now I've seen everything. Needless to say, I didn't put any in mine because carrots are a bitch to chop. 

Vegetarian Chili

Chilis are an inexact science, and since I like my food inedibly spicy, it's always a gamble. This one didn't wreck me, so I'll try to remember my method. It's best if you take all the seeds and fiber out of your jalapenos. Even if you think you can handle it, that shit has a way of sneaking up on you later. No bueno. Notice there are no beans in this, feel free to use them, not my style but you do you, girl. Also, the longer you let soups simmer, the better they taste. In fact, make it a day ahead and live off of it while confined to your wintery abode. Or invite friends over if you've got 'em. Ole. 

you will need the following: 

1 green bell pepper 

1 yellow or orange bell pepper

1 zucchini

2 jalapenos (hulled)

3 tomatoes 

1/2 white onion 

2-3 cloves garlic

16 oz tomato sauce

1 cup water 

1 can of corn 

2 tbsp chili powder

1 tbsp cumin

Salt & pepper

a dash of cinnamon

fresh cilantro (optional)

Step 1: Begin warming water and tomato sauce in your crock pot on high if you want to eat sooner, low if you want to eat later. While that's going on, chop stuff up. 

Step 2: In a skillet, heat onions, zucchini, and peppers in a little oil with spices. Once tender, add garlic and heat for an additional minute. 

Step 3: Throw everything in the crock pot and stir. Adjust spices and seasonings to suit your palate. *Keep in mind, things like peppers and chili powder slowly release their heat, so just because it's not immediately spicy doesn't mean it won't light your ass up when it's done.*

Step 4: Chili is all about the extras. I like to serve mine with some chopped onion, grated cheddar, and if I'm feelin' really Midwestern maybe some seasoned oyster crackers.