A Spooky Little Appetizer

Well doesn't that just look like a pile of freshly raked autumn leaves? Even though the foliage is dying, fall is all about new beginnings. I just quit my terrible job and started two new ones. With my paid week off between gigs, I hosted a "house party" for the first time. This was mostly by accident. It only takes one failed party to scare even the best hostess. I've had the misfortune of a party in which nobody showed up...so for my second annual Halloween party, I over-invited people. My plus-one and I live in a pretty small place. Assuming that nobody was coming, we extended the invite to pretty much everyone we knew: old flames, dentists, doormen etc. People I thought would definitely come didn't, and people I thought wouldn't come ended up showing. So it just goes to prove - never underestimate how many people will eat your free food. We also allowed hop-on guests...which resulted in some hot gays commandeering my kitchen. In my fantasy, I would be pulling hot hors d'oeuvres from the oven all night. Instead, I ended up with a fridge full of butternut squash bruschetta. That's okay though because I got to eat it all myself without judgement from hot gays.

A Little First Annual Video Spooktacular!

CELEBRATING THREE YEARS

WITH THIS EXTRA SPECIAL VIDEO SPOOKTACULAR!

A Little Lazy Pizza Party

If there's any guaranteed way to lure people to your apartment, it's pizza, or at least the offer of pizza. In my day, pizza 'n pop was the surest way to get people to join your after school club. Fat JJ would basically attend anything so long as pizza n' pop were billed on florescent half-sheets.

I hate working with yeast as much as anybody else. After several failed attempts, I've completely given up. I tip my hat to anyone who can make bread without a machine, or make pizza dough that actually works. Instead, I buy my pizza dough - because this is America and we pay for what we don't feel like doing ourselves. The good people at Trader Joe's do a really great job making dough at a reasonable price. To me, the selling point of pizza isn't the dough but rather, the toppings - meat.

Sausage-Goat Cheese Pizza with Caramelized Onions 

Chances are, if we've ever slept together I've made you this pizza. It's sort of a variation on something I had once at Taverna 750. If it weren't on a bed of carbs it would almost be healthy. If you like a spicy meata'ball this is up your alley. In lieu of a traditional pizza sauce, you use the pesto-like-byproduct of the caramelized onions. As you're soon to find out, caramelizing onions is very simple. If you're making this for an apartment date, be advised, you'll both be smelly and/or gassy afterward. Use that tip as you see fit. 

you will need the following: 

1 lazy pizza dough ball 

1 onion (sliced very thin) 

1 large Italian sausage 

goat cheese 

dry thyme or Italian herb blend

olive oil 

pinch of sugar

red pepper flakes

Step 1: Heat 2 tbsp olive oil in a skillet. Toss in thinly sliced onions with some herbs and let simmer on low heat for about twenty minutes, or until flaccid. Afterward, sprinkle onions with sugar and let simmer about ten more minutes. Boom, caramelized. 

Step 2: Cook your fat Italian sausage in a pool of water in a skillet until the outside looks done. Once your meat is cool enough to handle, slice it thin. 

Step 3: Stretch your lazy dough onto an oiled baking sheet. Rub a little oil on top of the crust and season with herbs. 

Step 4: Set your oven to 425 and start assembling. A.) Spread your onions on dough. B.) Top with meat. C.) Top with flecks of goat cheese. Bake pizza for about 15 minutes or until meat is no longer pink. 

Pairs well with any Red Box movie, but nothing too serious or graphic. And no fucking super action comic book shit. 

A Little Munchie

It's that crispy crunchy time of year and I'm sure you're all wondering where my pumpkin recipes are. If not, you should be. Though I do love a good pumpkin recipe, the market is a little over saturated right now. I was at Aldi the other day and they literally had a whole wall devoted to pumpkin shit. Pumpkin cheese? What does that even mean?! I'm all about a pumpkin spice latte and all the white girls in yoga pants who will tell you it's their favorite thing about fall, but enough is enough. Have no fear, I may put something pumpkin-y up, but for now, I'm over it. There's more to autumn than orange squash.

Personally, I love a good crock-pot stew and a scary movie on chilly October evenings. That being said, I also have a wicked sweet tooth, and I'm trying not to eat like a fatty until at least November. Caramel corn was my solution, plus I had the munchies and conveniently had all the ingredients for this impulse bake.

Crunchy Munch Caramel Corn 

Just like Garrett's only without the pigeon swarms outside. 

You will need the following: 

4-5 c popped popcorn (not microwave, gross)

1/2 c brown sugar

1/2 stick butter

1/4 c maple or breakfast syrup (whatever you have)

1/2 tsp baking soda

dash of pie spice or cinnamon (opt.)
pinch of salt

Step 1: Line two cookie sheets with buttered parchment paper. Carefully remove unpopped kernels from popcorn, the last thing you want is an emergency trip to the dentist. 

Step 2: Simmer syrup, sugar, butter, salt and spice until big bubbles form, stirring occasionally. Now, let sit for five minutes and DO NOT STIR. 

Step 3: Remove from heat and add baking soda, it will start to get real foamy and you'll want to work fast otherwise it will turn into a sticky mess. 

Step 4: Mix in popcorn little bits at a time and slather evenly with hot caramel. Ideally you don't want too much caramel on your popcorn or it won't be crunchy. Less is more. Think of it more as a glaze. 

Step 5: Turn popcorn out onto lined cookie sheets and let cool completely by an open window. 

Get crafty with it. I used some to trim a cake! 

Caramel Popcorn Ball Party Favors

Popcorn Balls!

I love seasonal balls. I had a party over the weekend and I knew I really wanted to make these balls, I gave them out as take-home party favors. If I have a bunch of these around, I'll eat them all and rip out my dental work in the process. During the fall, my family used to trek out to a little farm every weekend to load up on these old-fashioned treats. Little did I know how easy they are to make! I prefer this Kraft caramel cube recipe because it's a classic and because it doesn't turn your popcorn into Cracker Jack. It's less of a glaze and more of a dense, chewy caramel. Also, making caramel is sort of an annoying step. Instead, assign the unwrapping of caramel cubes to someone with busy hands. This is a fun recipe to do in a group. *Don't lazy bones it and use microwave popcorn, it does not taste the same! 

You will need the following

1 bag caramel cubes

1/2 c popcorn = 2 quarts popped

olive oil 

sea salt

2 tbsp water

some butter (for your hands)

razor blades (optional)

Step 1: Make popcorn, season only with salt. While popcorn cools, melt caramel over low heat with water until creamy and smooth.

Step 2: Arrange a work area first, once caramel is liquidy, you have a short time before it starts to harden again. 

Step 3: Pour caramel over popcorn and mix thoroughly, the idea is that every kernel gets a little caramel. 

Step 4: Use butter like a bar of soap and get your hands all greasy. Scoop popcorn out in handfuls and form into balls. Chill in fridge for a few minutes when finished. 

Wrap and distribute, great for Trick-or-Treaters..

And yet, there's still more fun Halloween stuff coming up!