A Spooky Little Appetizer

Well doesn't that just look like a pile of freshly raked autumn leaves? Even though the foliage is dying, fall is all about new beginnings. I just quit my terrible job and started two new ones. With my paid week off between gigs, I hosted a "house party" for the first time. This was mostly by accident. It only takes one failed party to scare even the best hostess. I've had the misfortune of a party in which nobody showed up...so for my second annual Halloween party, I over-invited people. My plus-one and I live in a pretty small place. Assuming that nobody was coming, we extended the invite to pretty much everyone we knew: old flames, dentists, doormen etc. People I thought would definitely come didn't, and people I thought wouldn't come ended up showing. So it just goes to prove - never underestimate how many people will eat your free food. We also allowed hop-on guests...which resulted in some hot gays commandeering my kitchen. In my fantasy, I would be pulling hot hors d'oeuvres from the oven all night. Instead, I ended up with a fridge full of butternut squash bruschetta. That's okay though because I got to eat it all myself without judgement from hot gays.

A Little Fry-Day Night Dinner Party

You'll all be happy to know I am now among the ranks of the employed. For those of you who've accompanied me on this arduous and emotionally unstable journey, as well as those who've held my hair back while I puked or wiped away my tears of rage, this one's for you! While it's been nice cashing those unemployment checks and feeding myself with the Link card (jk, they rejected my application), I don't think I'll miss the long empty days of over-masturbating and meticulous detail cleaning, nor will I miss the hours I sat going blind looking at job listings. The new gig really gets me: crafting full-time now ya'll. That isn't supposed to sound as Portlandia as it does. It's a nice feeling, having income again. So I thought, it's time to celebrate and drink for pleasure instead of necessity. 

A Little Appetizer Sampler

Nope, you're not at an Applebee's, and nope this shit ain't half-off. While I do have an ice-skate and Wizard of Oz memorabilia on my walls, I'd hope my apartment isn't as depressing as a chain restaurant built in the parking lot of a Smalltown, USA mall. If you're thinking this is gonna be some kind of tutorial on how to deep fry a string cheese, I'm sorry to disappoint you. That's coming later in the week. If you need to know one thing about me, other than my third nipple, it's that I love to picnic. If I could eat every meal outside I would. Maybe it's because my shitbox apartment lacks air conditioning. In any case, I've decided I'm tired of wasting my money on pre-packaged goods when I can just as easily make them myself. Plus, it gives me a cheap thrill to get compliments on my homemade goodies. If you know how to can stuff, the following recipes will make excellent pantry staples or gifts around the holidays, ya cheap bastard. I don't know how to seal the jars and after enough failed attempts, I give up. Besides, none of this stuff ever lasts long enough to require preserving them in mason jars and magic. 

A Little Cookie Party: Stave One

The worst part about Christmas is the inevitable bankruptcy it will drive you to. The best part of Christmas are the gifts and confections. When you live in a studio apartment it's hard to get everyone in your life together, so instead I have individuals over to help me bake and get baked. Rather than buy people anything I just send them home with way too many cookies, I imagine most of them end up in the trash but it's the thought that counts, I guess. 

I'm obsessed with these cookie cutters I got last year. Since I was a big ol' post-break up Grinch last Christmas I didn't get a chance to put these guys to use until this year. They've been getting a work out. I think they're supposed to look old but really they're new and I got them on sale at T.J. Maxx. I really don't care for plastic cookie cutters, but these metal ones really get the job done. 

Gingerbread Cut-Out Cookies

I've been sitting on this recipe for a few years now but for some reason felt really intimidated by the molasses it calls for. I'm not sure why I thought molasses was some sort of baking challenge, it's not even expensive or hard to find. I will say it tastes and smells like diesel fuel but it does make a quality cookie. Interesting to few, but this recipe doesn't contain eggs, in case any of your cookie party guests have IBS. 

you will need the following: 

3 1/2 c flour 

1 tsp baking soda

pinch of salt 

1 tbsp pie spice 

1 tbsp cinnamon

1 1/2 sticks room temperature butter

1/2 c brown sugar 

1 c molasses 

1/4 c cream 

for frosting 

1 c powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla 

1 tbsp cream 

Step 1: In one bowl mix dry ingredients together. In another bowl cream butter and brown sugar together until fluffy. 

Step 2: Add cup of molasses to butter mixture and again stir until fluffy. Once sufficiently fluffed, slowly add flour mix in small doses. Upon adding final bit of flour, add in cream and mix until smooth. Add more cream if you're drunk. Wrap dough in plastic and chill in fridge for at least two hours. (or 30 minutes in the freezer if you're almost out of wine)

Step 3: Divide dough and roll out on a floured surface with a floured rolling pin. Roll to about 1/4" thickness and use cookie cutters to punch out shapes. This recipe makes approximately a fuck-ton of cookies depending on the size of your cookie cutters. 

Step 4: Make frosting by mixing powdered sugar, vanilla and cream. If you're too basic to have pastry bags (like myself) take a sandwich baggy and fill it with frosting. You can cut the tip out of one of the corners and ice cooled cookies. Allow frosting to dry for easy store-n-stack 

A Little Leftover Luncheon

 

The spring-time holiday binge has come and gone, but the food is still around. The best part of holiday parties with friends and family is leftovers. You probably shouldn't have taken those deviled eggs home because of foodborne illness, but you just couldn't resist when the party broke up. The best way to eat leftovers is high, standing at the kitchen counter shoveling forkloads of cold mashes into your face while you stare off into space. It's also polite to ask for recipes at parties if you liked, or found a dish okay. Even if you never plan on making the dish in question, recipe swaps make for nice conversation. Here I'll be sharing what's left of my Easter brunch and their respective recipes.

Bagel Breakfast Casserole

6 assorted savory bagels (cubed)

1 (8oz) pack cream cheese (cubed)

1 tomato in chunks

1/4 red onion (quartered)

8 eggs

2 1/3 c milk

1.) In a greased casserole, layer bagel cubes, cream cheese, tomatoes and onions. 

2.) Mix eggs and milk. Pour over casserole. Chill overnight. 

3.) Bake at 350 for 1 hour. 

Mini Crab Cakes

12 oz crab meat

1 c bread crumbs

1/4 c chopped onion

1/4 c chopped carrot

1/4 c sour cream

1 tsp lemon juice

2 tsp seafood spice blend

1.) Mix ingredients with 1/2 c bread crumbs

2.) Form into 2" balls. Roll in other 1/2 c bread crumbs. Flatten into 1/4" patties

3.) Fry in butter 3-4 minutes. 

Three Berry Pie

2 pastry crusts

4 c mixed berries

1 c sugar

4 tbsp flour

1 tbsp lemon juice

2 tsp pie spice

1 tbsp butter

1.) Mix ingredients. Fill bottom crust. Dot with butter. Adhere top. 

2.) Bake at 450 for 10 minutes. Reduce to 350. Bake 30-40 min.

             

Easter Cheesecakes

2 (8oz) cream cheese packs

2 eggs

1/2 c sugar

1 tsp vanilla

jellybeans (for garnish)

1.) Mix ingredients with hand mixer. 

2.) Fill foil liners half-way. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes. 

3.) Chill and top with jellybeans. 

                                                          

You can always tell how good your dish was by how much of it you end up taking home. 

Caramel Popcorn Ball Party Favors

Popcorn Balls!

I love seasonal balls. I had a party over the weekend and I knew I really wanted to make these balls, I gave them out as take-home party favors. If I have a bunch of these around, I'll eat them all and rip out my dental work in the process. During the fall, my family used to trek out to a little farm every weekend to load up on these old-fashioned treats. Little did I know how easy they are to make! I prefer this Kraft caramel cube recipe because it's a classic and because it doesn't turn your popcorn into Cracker Jack. It's less of a glaze and more of a dense, chewy caramel. Also, making caramel is sort of an annoying step. Instead, assign the unwrapping of caramel cubes to someone with busy hands. This is a fun recipe to do in a group. *Don't lazy bones it and use microwave popcorn, it does not taste the same! 

You will need the following

1 bag caramel cubes

1/2 c popcorn = 2 quarts popped

olive oil 

sea salt

2 tbsp water

some butter (for your hands)

razor blades (optional)

Step 1: Make popcorn, season only with salt. While popcorn cools, melt caramel over low heat with water until creamy and smooth.

Step 2: Arrange a work area first, once caramel is liquidy, you have a short time before it starts to harden again. 

Step 3: Pour caramel over popcorn and mix thoroughly, the idea is that every kernel gets a little caramel. 

Step 4: Use butter like a bar of soap and get your hands all greasy. Scoop popcorn out in handfuls and form into balls. Chill in fridge for a few minutes when finished. 

Wrap and distribute, great for Trick-or-Treaters..

And yet, there's still more fun Halloween stuff coming up!

A Little Candling Party

Licorice Scented Candles

The movie Hocus-Pocus has always made me want a black Halloween candle, and since I'm a secondary virgin, I hope that after I light this one that Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker will come visit me. Together we can suck the lives from the children of Salem, or at the very least boil them down into a highly effective wrinkle-reducing face cream. For years I've hunted for Black Licorice scented candles, and I've only found one, in November, on clearance (a day late and dollar short, so to speak). My mom had a black licorice candle that she only brought out around Halloween, and that thing lasted for years. As a kid I used to think it was the nastiest smelling candle ever, as it was very strong. Recently my mom admitted that she often burned it at night, after we had gone to bed, to mask the smell of pot. 

You will need the following: 

festive jars

1.5 lbs candle wax

wicks

anise essential oil 

a black crayon

*A few notes to begin with: candle wax will ignite, so be careful about splatters. Don't heat wax to more than 190 degrees. Always use a candy thermometer.  Check the packaging of wick kits, many contain lead which causes cancer. Clean-up is tedious, I suggest using disposable everything.

Step 1: Cut wax into small pieces and slowly melt in a double boiler. Keep an eye on the temperature. Your goal is 170 degrees. 

Step 2: Whilst wax is melting, take your wick and dip the metal tab in wax. Adhere to bottom of jar and wind around a pencil, to keep it straight and in place. 

Step 3: Chop up your crayon and mix it into melted candle wax. Stir thoroughly. 

Step 4: Once wax has reached 170 degrees, add in 2-3 tsp anise essential oil, stir and transfer wax from double boiler to spouted cup. Pour about an inch into the bottom of the jar to set the wick. 

Step 5: Pour the rest of the wax in, and allow to cool and cure for 24 hours. The wax will sink in the middle. Fill in after 24 hours with some reheated left-over wax.

Once the second round of wax is solid, it will be finished. Light it up! 

*Helpful hint: put waxy utensils in the freezer for easy clean. 

Haul Out the Halloween Decorations

When the leaves begin change, or the calendar gets to the middle of September, it's time to put out the festive decor. (Seasonal candy dishes are a great way to always have candy out without feeling guilty. It's for guests). There's no point in living if not for holidays. As long as I can remember, I've always been the first one with my decorations out. As a child, I used to beg my parents to pull down those musty old boxes from the attic the weekend after Labor Day. The Halloween boxes always had such a distinct smell, the sweet stench of rotting costumes and melted face paints. Every once in awhile I'll get a whiff of that comforting scent and it takes me back. 

Remember these guys? You still see them everywhere around this time of year, most recently sticking out of a vodka display at Jewel-Osco. Yes, you're absolutely supposed to put those hinged limbs in inappropriate positions, like this one on my fridge. I found this little gem at a thrift store for a quarter. 

This one is another Halloween staple. These card stock cut-outs have been an American tradition since the 30s. We had all these growing up, but the years of Scotch tape and sun-bleaching made them fall apart. As an adult, I have started collecting these prints made by the Beistle Company.  This witch was always my favorite for some reason. 

Often called die-cuts, these old decorations are sort of hard to find nowadays. I saw a few on Etsy and in vintage stores, but at ridiculous prices. After doing an embarrassing amount of internet research, I found out that they do still make these but not very many stores carry them anymore. I've had some luck at mom-and-pop party supply stores though. Last year when I was visiting home, I hit the Beistle-jackpot at the biggest Halloween store in the Midwest, Foy's in Dayton, Ohio. Not only did Foy's have all my old favorites, but they were like a dollar, so I bought way too many. 

My plus-one has demanded that all my die-cuts remain in the kitchen. 

For obvious reasons - These are by far the creepiest. They were once part of a long chain of other odd-looking pumpkins.

Put it all together, and the result is somewhat like an elementary school classroom. 

A Little Pie Contest Party

A Friendly Competition

'Tis once again the season for all things apple and I'm going to show you how to throw a pie party! Since we all missed the Lincoln Square Apple Fest this weekend, I decided to host a little pie contest with my co-workers. Pie contests are great because they not only a yield a vast variety of pies but also a vast quantity of pies. We ended up with four full-sized apple pies, and it was the grandest day of our lives. The competition was a very dignified affair and I'm certain nobody's feelings were hurt, except for our drop-out who was given the honorary"Flakiest Pie" award. I made a little kit from paper cut-outs and toothpicks. I also provided everyone with recipe cards to write out their secrets. The fact that we all wore cardigans was purely an autumnal coincidence.

The Contestants Show Their Pies

Cat's pie

Atra's pie

 

Bryce's Pie

My pie

The Tasting

On the day of the contest we found ourselves without a judge. We improvised by pulling a kid in off the street to decide. (This actually happened.) 

The Results

In a confectionary contest, nobody should leave feeling like a loser, it's not like a beauty pageant or anything. I invented enough superlatives so that everyone could experience winning something. 

The Prize

A pat on the back and a homemade participation ribbon. 

Stayed tuned as I'll be showing you how to make my award winning apple pie ...

A Little Bayou Tombalaya

Tombalaya

Sometimes, you have to let other people cook and some people equate "cooking" with shaking up some rice into boiling water, a la Zatarain's. Delicious as Zatarain's may be, I can't quite get on board with boxed- dinner stuff like that, it makes me think of food drives, and that makes me sad.  Anyways, my plus-one loves Zatarain's, so we worked together to make up a homemade version for a dinner party we had this summer.  This recipe is based on two others we found. It was much spicier and much heartier. The best part about this cajun classic is that it's really cheap and it goes a long way. If people aren't doubled over from the spices, they'll be uncomfortably full, keep both of those things in mind. 

You will need the following: 

3 c cooked rice

4 andouille sausages cooked

4 broiled chicken tenderloins (shredded)

1 diced green pepper

3 diced stalks celery

1 diced onion

2.5 c stock

1 can tomatoes (with chiles)

1 can tomato paste

 Spices; hot sauce, pepper, sriracha, cayenne, paprika, bay leaves

Step 1: Brown sausages in a pot while chickens broil. 

Step 2: Toss half of veggies and chicken into pot. Add tomatoes, and paste. Season to taste. Simmer until veggies are tender. 

Step 3: Add rice, and rest of veggies. Add stock and simmer until stock is absorbed. 

Serve with economic sides like Jiffy Mix corn muffins and iced tea. 

A Little Movie Night

Host a Movie Night 

There's nothing worse than being at a dinner party when the booze runs out. Even worse than being a guest at a dry dinner party, is being the hostess of a dry dinner party. From my experiences as both hostess and guest in this situation, I've learned that mid-twenty year olds are apparently incapable of taking card and board games seriously. Alas, to keep the party going one must resort to shutting everyone up by popping a movie in. I won't tell you what to watch, but I will outline some helpful suggestions about what not to watch. 

• First and foremost, don't choose anything longer than two hours, the longer the movie, the longer you're expected to entertain. 
• Most people hate reading, so no foreign films. 
• Try to avoid your instincts when choosing between the sci-fi/fantasy/action-hero sequels, chances are nobody has seen the first one, nor are they interested in your lengthy synopsis. 
• People under the age of thirty are also leery of black and white movies, so probably not a classic. 
• No bummers. Just because you're interested in the Holocaust, it does not give you the right to bum everyone out, especially your Jewish guests.  
• Unless your guests are gay, no musicals. 
• No documentaries

Old Fashioned Popcorn

Popcorn is a really cheap snack, unless you're at a cineplex. For some reason, I only like it with movies, or when I smell it. I hate how it gets caught in your teeth and that crap from a bag always tastes like butter flavored styrofoam. Microwavable popcorn is also a carcinogen, I've heard. Making it is quite easy, almost easy enough not to need this recipe. This recipe comes courtesy of my plus-one, who is a professional popcorn maker.  He recommends substituting the olive oil for grape seed oil to cut back on the calories. 

You Will Need the Following: 

1/3 c popcorn kernels 

Sea Salt

Pepper

2 tablespoons olive oil (or grape seed if you have it)

-> Heat deep pot (laugh here) on burner until warm. Coat bottom with oil and allow to heat. Throw in a few tester kernels and wait until they pop. Once popping, toss in the rest of the kernels, cover pot with lid and shake a bit. Once kernels start to pop wildly, reduce and occasionally remove from heat to prevent burning. Don't lift the lid until the popping has stopped. Toss with a little more oil and plenty of salt & pepper. *Cats love popcorn, but it makes them yack - encourage guests to be tidy.