A Little Basket Stuffer, Again.

Anyone who says they don't like their holidays secular is a goddamned liar. I'm not entirely sure what the point of Easter is, but suffice it to say it has something to do with a bunny named Jesus. Honestly, as a whole we could really be exploiting this Easter thing for a lot more than we are. We could have Easter carols and Easter TV specials and best of all, MATERIAL GIFTS, baby. Some of this is already happening, but not at the rate corporations could possibly be profiting. Who wants to help me bring Easter back? This blog entry might be a small contribution, but even Santa Clause had to start somewhere. I think some people still dye eggs, but that seems like a terrible waste of time in my opinion. Maybe Easter doesn't come from a store, maybe Easter is about something a little bit more. Baked goods and baskets of shit. 

Oatmeal Cream Pies (from scratch)

Get your mind out of the gutter, this ain't that kinda cream pie. My plus-one and I recently exchanged moderately depressing stories about our connection to the iconic Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. He used to shake out couch cushions so he could ride his bike to the "Chinky Market" and buy his feelings in cookies. My dad used to include an extra quarter in our lunch money on fridays so we could get a little treat. We're both former fatties, to say the least. A friend of mine is a baker for Bake Chicago and they make these a lot better than I did. I took two recipes from my favorite cookbook and sandwiched them together. Little Debbie ain't got shit on me. 

A Little Religious Occasion Dinner

It's that time of year again. The time when birds start singing, flowers bloom out of the ground and then a big fucking snow storm comes through and ruins April. It's also the time of year people have vaguely religious dinner parties. The only temple I worship at is currently under federal investigation, so I can't say whether lasagna is traditional to any other religion than my appetite. Whether you're a spiritual person or not, someone will ask you to attend their vaguely religious dinner, be it Easter or Passover. Just last night I went to my first homosexual Seder. There are few things in this world I wouldn't do for good brisket including, but not limited to, murder. The best part of being in a Facebook relationship with a vegetarian is that I get to eat his portion of brisket. I know, you're all tired of reading my vegetarian recipes, but you can't imagine how sick I am of eating them. My rule for vegetarian cookery is that I'll never stoop to that vegan bullshit. I'm not even trying to hear about nutritional yeast. The key to making brisket-lovers enjoy a brisket-less dinner is giving people a dish worthy of a main course. That does not include salad or soup, unless it's lunch at Olive Garden and it's available in a never ending quantity.

A Little Cross-Over Dinner

With the NSA leaks, Target data breaches, and Heartbleed, it's about time someone hacked into "The Little Dinner Party." This special hacked edition brings things down a notch to a simple, vegetarian staple: salad. Also known as vegetarian cereal, a salad is a bunch of veggies tossed with a tasty dressing and forked into your mouth. A popular choice for first dates, business lunches, and rabbits, salads are a healthy, hearty way to say "Hey, maybe we should start going to the gym."

Egg & Avacado Salad

A woman once said all the ingredients in a salad should be able to fit in a single bite. This was a woman who enjoyed boring salads. This Egg & Avacado Salad is a healthy, protein-packed way to spend your dinner.

you will need the following

1 head of iceberg lettuce

4 eggs

1 avacado

2 green peppers

1 bag of cheddar cheese

1 bucket of ranch (store-bought, like God intended)

Step 1: Chop your lettuce.

Step 2: Chop your green peppers. Slices of quarter-inch cubes – go wild.

Step 3: Bring a pot of water to a rolling boil. Waterboard the eggs (the "security" theme continues…) for at least 8 minutes or you'll have a soft boil. Or salmonella.

Step 4: Chop your tomatoes.

Step 5: Half your avacodo, scoop the good stuff, and dice it.

Step 6: Combine all the veggies, along with a healthy portion of shredded cheese in a bowl.

Step 7: Drown your veggies in ranch dressing, toss, and servce. You're done!

Step 8: Your boyfriend comes home and lets you know it needs green onions, some crushed up tortilla chips, and pepper.

P.S. No intruder's supper is complete without a seasonal treat from a corporate chain. These Dunkin Donuts™ Peeps™ donuts taste just like momma used to buy.