A Little Appetizer Sampler

Nope, you're not at an Applebee's, and nope this shit ain't half-off. While I do have an ice-skate and Wizard of Oz memorabilia on my walls, I'd hope my apartment isn't as depressing as a chain restaurant built in the parking lot of a Smalltown, USA mall. If you're thinking this is gonna be some kind of tutorial on how to deep fry a string cheese, I'm sorry to disappoint you. That's coming later in the week. If you need to know one thing about me, other than my third nipple, it's that I love to picnic. If I could eat every meal outside I would. Maybe it's because my shitbox apartment lacks air conditioning. In any case, I've decided I'm tired of wasting my money on pre-packaged goods when I can just as easily make them myself. Plus, it gives me a cheap thrill to get compliments on my homemade goodies. If you know how to can stuff, the following recipes will make excellent pantry staples or gifts around the holidays, ya cheap bastard. I don't know how to seal the jars and after enough failed attempts, I give up. Besides, none of this stuff ever lasts long enough to require preserving them in mason jars and magic. 

A Little Basket Stuffer, Again.

Anyone who says they don't like their holidays secular is a goddamned liar. I'm not entirely sure what the point of Easter is, but suffice it to say it has something to do with a bunny named Jesus. Honestly, as a whole we could really be exploiting this Easter thing for a lot more than we are. We could have Easter carols and Easter TV specials and best of all, MATERIAL GIFTS, baby. Some of this is already happening, but not at the rate corporations could possibly be profiting. Who wants to help me bring Easter back? This blog entry might be a small contribution, but even Santa Clause had to start somewhere. I think some people still dye eggs, but that seems like a terrible waste of time in my opinion. Maybe Easter doesn't come from a store, maybe Easter is about something a little bit more. Baked goods and baskets of shit. 

Oatmeal Cream Pies (from scratch)

Get your mind out of the gutter, this ain't that kinda cream pie. My plus-one and I recently exchanged moderately depressing stories about our connection to the iconic Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. He used to shake out couch cushions so he could ride his bike to the "Chinky Market" and buy his feelings in cookies. My dad used to include an extra quarter in our lunch money on fridays so we could get a little treat. We're both former fatties, to say the least. A friend of mine is a baker for Bake Chicago and they make these a lot better than I did. I took two recipes from my favorite cookbook and sandwiched them together. Little Debbie ain't got shit on me. 

Another Little Candling Party

If you read this blog regularly, you're a liar, because I don't regularly update. It's been awhile since I've posted a craft, but it's also been awhile since I've crafted. To be honest, I think crafting should be done out of necessity rather than hobby. Also, I believe that crafting should provide a useful outcome that is cheaper than manufactured goods. Christmas was this past week, and I say good riddance to the season of merry-making and cookie-binging. Christmas is costly, I decided to cut fiscal corners this year in providing gifts to extended family. There comes a time in life when it's no longer okay to come empty handed to a holiday party, especially when you're related to most of the guests. Candles are a cost-efficient way to impress people with your handiness, if I had more practical skills I'd probably make something better than candles. 

Rosemary-Eucalyptus Candles

Frequenters will remember the black licorice candle I made a few years back. That one didn't really turn out very great because I didn't use enough essential oil. With that in mind, I made these with the same amount of wax but used twice as much oil. I like my candles like my men, strong and stinky. I chose this scent combo because I had one last year that I loved. The piney-minty scent is festive but not too festive and it helps your sinuses clear up during the sniffly season. Kinda smells like a retirement home. 

you will need the following: 

jars

2 lbs wax (or however much you need)

wicks

1 oz rosemary essential oil

1 oz eucalyptus essential oil 

a candy thermometer

a disposable mixing bowl 

a disposable rubber spatula

a disposable pitcher 

STEP 1: Chop candle wax into coarse pieces and place in disposable mixing bowl. Put that bowl in a large pot of water. Double boil the wax and allow to melt. Stir frequently with disposable rubber spatula. Don't let the wax boil as it is flammable. Keep an eye on the temperature with your candy thermometer. The idea temperature is between 120 and 140 once the wax is liquid. 

STEP 2: Dip the wick bases in melted wax and adhere to the bottom of jars. Pinch the tips with clothespins so the wicks stay in place. 

STEP 3: Once wax is at desired temperature, mix in essential oil and thoroughly distribute. Transfer wax from bowl to disposable pitcher. Pour hot wax into jars reserving one cup to fill in where candles sink. Allow to cure overnight. It is normal for the wax to drop in the center once it cools. This is why you'll need the extra cup of wax. 

STEP 4: Reheat cup of wax by placing the picture in a pot of boiling water for a few minutes. Pour melted wax into caverns formed by the candle cure. Allow another 24 hours to cure completely. Once cooled, trim wick down to 1/4 inch before lighting. 

I used random supplies I had in my craft box to trim and decorate. People loved these and they smell amazing. Happy Holidays!

A Little Basket Stuffer

I can't believe it's almost Easter! It seems like just last week was St. Patrick's Day...because it was. Easter is kind of a throw-away as far as holidays go. Though there are small gifts, there's no extended time off from work or school and sometimes it's chilly. Once you realize there is no bunny and nobody hides money in plastic eggs for you anymore it just becomes about food, or Jesus coming back to life (if you believe that). After slaving off your winter weight in your home gym, it seems unfair to have another holiday binge. I've never been one to turn my nose up at holiday binges or any occasion that includes candy, so I decided to make some treats to get in the spirit of things. LDP is really on a white trash kick this month...here's another fine example of something you'd see at a church bake sale. 

White (trash) Chocolate Takealongs

you will need the following

2 sleeves Ritz (or Savoritz) crackers 

1 c peanut butter

1/4 c confectioner's sugar

1 bag white chocolate chips

Step 1: Mix peanut butter and sugar in a bowl. Make cracker sandwiches with peanut butter. Set on parchment lined cookie sheet and chill in freezer. 

Step 2: Melt chocolate chips in a double boiler (white chocolate burns really easily). With tongs, dip cracker sandwiches in chocolate and cover on all sides. Set on cookie sheet, repeat until out of crackers. 

Step 3: Return to freezer for about 20 minutes. Once completely set, remove cookies. Wrap and give to friends (or eat by yourself). 

A Banner Year at the Little Dinner Party

 Crafty Banner for Christmas

By the looks of this festive banner, I'd say I have way too much time on my hands. Christmas time is probably the best time of the entire year. I love it so much I do pointless busy work (see photo above). Nothing says Holly Jolly quite like a banner that says Holly Jolly. It was actually just as easy as it looks and provides my family (of cats) with hours of holiday cheer! 

First, get all this stuff:

(I used a paper cutter to make the flags and printed letters in different fonts.)

Next, cut out letters and boarder with glitter. Warning: Don't breath glitter, mesothelioma is the number one killer of lonely crafters. 

Then string all your banner-ables onto ribbon and hang by the chimney with care. 

The season has officially begun, even though I've already been celebrating for weeks.

Crock Pot o' Gold Month (Finale)

All good things must come to an end and unfortunately this is the end of slow-cooker month. Sad I know, but I'm the kind of person who likes to mourn alone. It's nice to have company but it's even nicer not to have company. The best kinds of things to eat alone are unhealthy and dip-able. And what shut-in would be complete without a cat? Tonight I decided to slip into my snuggie, turn on my single serving Crockette and craft gifts for my fur baby. This only sounds sad because it is. 

Fon-don't For One

Love fondue? Lacking a fondue set? Not to worry, use your Crock Pot! I got this tiny one at an estate sale, which means its previous owner is dead. The Crock-ette is purrfect for dips and sauces, but inadequately feeds one person. This retro recipe cost me less than eight dollars and I didn't have to do anything illegal! Double the recipe and have a game night, hopefully people show up. 

You Will Need the Following: 

5 oz shredded Gruyére cheese

5 oz shredded Swiss cheese 

1 c white wine

2 tbsp corn starch

2 cloves roasted garlic

1/2 t-spoon mustard

a pinch of cayenne pepper (optional)

salt & pepper

A baguette in pieces and apples etc (for dipping)

Step 1: Pour wine, mustard and garlic into a heating crock pot. 

Step 2: In a plastic bag, combine cheeses and corn starch. Shake together until starch is sticking to cheese. 

Step 3: When wine is piping hot, begin adding cheese one cup at a time until completely melted. Season and allow cheese to melt for two hours or until sufficiently thickened. Keep warm and serve immediately. (Use skewers to dip, if alone simply use hands).