A Little Getaway

Sometimes I can afford to go on vacation. When I do, I prefer places I don't have to see anyone in a swim suit. I've always wanted to visit Maine and when my plus-one had a summer stock opportunity in Bar Harbor, I tagged along like a cheap groupie. I was told it would be like Dirty Dancing, and it was. I carried a watermelon, had an abortion and became a world class dancer in less than a week. The dancing was coincidental because he was actually doing improv comedy for a theatre in Bar Harbor called ImprovAcadia. It's a charming comedy club that employs and houses Chicago comedians (and comedian hangers-on) for a few weeks at a time. 

In my mind Maine and lobster are inextricably linked. In fact, I have a Pavlovian reaction whenever I so much as hear the word lobster, I start to salivate and wipe away phantom butter dribbles. Maybe my obsession with this delectable crustacean is because I was born in the Midwest and the closest I ever got to a lobster was a chain restaurant by the mall. Since most of the world's lobster comes from the Maine harbor, it's real cheap along the coast. With this in mind, I spent weeks looking forward to seven days of lobster. I mostly succeeded. While it's pretty affordable, the best place to have your basic, no-frills boiled lobster 'n sides are lobster pounds. As cute as it sounds, they're basically lobster concentration camps. As long as you keep in mind shellfish are just seabugs without a central nervous system to feel pain, they're delicious! Personally, I like any place I can demand to have something killed on my account. I can't really take any culinary credit here, but sometimes it's nice to have a dinner party in different part of the country!

A Little Fry-Day Night Dinner Party

You'll all be happy to know I am now among the ranks of the employed. For those of you who've accompanied me on this arduous and emotionally unstable journey, as well as those who've held my hair back while I puked or wiped away my tears of rage, this one's for you! While it's been nice cashing those unemployment checks and feeding myself with the Link card (jk, they rejected my application), I don't think I'll miss the long empty days of over-masturbating and meticulous detail cleaning, nor will I miss the hours I sat going blind looking at job listings. The new gig really gets me: crafting full-time now ya'll. That isn't supposed to sound as Portlandia as it does. It's a nice feeling, having income again. So I thought, it's time to celebrate and drink for pleasure instead of necessity. 

A Little Appetizer Sampler

Nope, you're not at an Applebee's, and nope this shit ain't half-off. While I do have an ice-skate and Wizard of Oz memorabilia on my walls, I'd hope my apartment isn't as depressing as a chain restaurant built in the parking lot of a Smalltown, USA mall. If you're thinking this is gonna be some kind of tutorial on how to deep fry a string cheese, I'm sorry to disappoint you. That's coming later in the week. If you need to know one thing about me, other than my third nipple, it's that I love to picnic. If I could eat every meal outside I would. Maybe it's because my shitbox apartment lacks air conditioning. In any case, I've decided I'm tired of wasting my money on pre-packaged goods when I can just as easily make them myself. Plus, it gives me a cheap thrill to get compliments on my homemade goodies. If you know how to can stuff, the following recipes will make excellent pantry staples or gifts around the holidays, ya cheap bastard. I don't know how to seal the jars and after enough failed attempts, I give up. Besides, none of this stuff ever lasts long enough to require preserving them in mason jars and magic. 

A Little Summer Kick-Off

Unless you're an international reader or your boss is a communist, you know Memorial Day was yesterday. I like to celebrate my patriotism the same as any other 'merican: with beer, titties and hot meat. I also like to watch Jaws (or even Jaws 2 in a pinch) - just feels right. If my tank top tan lines and fire roasted face aren't sure signs of summer, I'm not sure what is. And speaking of lobsters, nothing says summer like a seafood hoagie in your mouth. Lobster, and other seafoods are sort of awkward for the midwest since it's by no means fresh. I take my chances and spend a little more because I'm worth it. So far, so good, but I could also be mistaking low-quality meat for the pride of not fucking up this pricey little sea critter. Even my vegetarian plus-one broke his vow of cruelty-free dining for this rare treat.